Today’s listener questions

The questions we’re tackling today from our Supercast subscribers are:

1. “I’ve (he/him) been seeing a girl for about half a year. She’s got a primary partner and a couple of other “minor flirts”, I’ve grown to be her second most involved relationship. We see each other about once a week and always have a great time.

   I've felt recently that my feelings have become very strong and I almost have to stop myself from splurting out "I love you". With those feelings I've also noticed that I've had moments of sadness over things we will probably never do together because of me not being her primary partner. She's made it clear that she doesn't want our relationship to "compete" with her primary. I've also had some dark thoughts, wishing for their relationship to end etc. Which I'm not proud of and would never act on in any kind of way of course. I like my meta and want the best for them too.

   This is my first poly relationship that's gotten this "serious" so dealing with this lack of relationship escalator is kinda new. I really don't want the escalator, I want to prioritize myself first. I don't want to be a primary partner. I just want… more, but not too much haha. I feel afraid of bringing this up or showing the full extent of my feelings for fear of being too much or giving her the wrong impression of my intentions.

   I'm hoping this will be a long-term thing and maybe it'll keep growing and getting "more", maybe it won't. Any tips on how to accept and enjoy this for what it is, don't be sad over what it isn't right now and just let it lead where it leads?

   Secretly swooning in Scandinavia”

2. “Dear Multiamory Team,

   my partner and I had been together in a poly relationship for half a year when she met her second partner. My partner and I met once or twice a week. When she met her new partner, the two of them quickly became very close and met frequently (3-4 times a week) and went on vacation. My metamour also quickly joined my partner's circle of friends. That suited me quite well. Since I was writing my thesis at the time and have many friends, I was happy for my partner that she was getting the attention that I couldn't give her on my own. At first it went very well until my metamour and I met.

   The three of us met in a cafe, with our partner. The meeting didn't go well – we are very different and have different communication styles. They were very angry with me for touching our partner in front of her. Our second meeting also went badly, and even a clarifying conversation didn't help. My metamour was convinced that I didn't want anything good for her. I couldn't say anything to make her believe that I only wanted the best for their relationship.

   After half a year of back and forth, my partner broke up with me to have a non-monogamous relationship with my metamour. When we broke up, she said that there was no right decision for her, that she had to get out of the hinge position and that she felt torn between us.

   That was half a year ago now. My now ex-partner and I hadn't been in contact for a long time and have now met again. We still love each other and cried a lot when we met. We both want to have each other back in our lives. How intense that can be depends on the needs of my metamour. I notice a lot of resistance and panic in me about meeting my metamour because I feel so hurt by her behavior. If I want to have contact with my now ex-partner, I have to build a good relationship with my metamour.

   Can the broken relationship between my metamour and me be solved? What could a solution look like? What can I demand of my ex-partner and my metamour and how can I protect myself in this process?

   Roxy”

3. “It all started when my partner Daryl took on a new partner and had less time for me. So I went looking for new connections. I found a great new guy, Jay, but it's a slow burn. Now my ex, Bob reconnected with me & I'm smitten all over again.

   I find myself leaving space for any availability Daryl has because he's my strongest connection, but I also feel frustrated he took on a new partner and it became a reduction of time with me. Bob and I are picking right back up where we left off, but his life is different now and I worry about life compatibility. Jay could grow, but it's early days and he is already stretching himself by adding me to his life with 3 other partners, but he has lots of time to give.

   I don't want to disappoint them, but I’m more worried about myself in pushing my own boundaries that cause me to reduce time with myself because I miss them. Even keeping up chatting with all of them I now feel my phone never stops.

   Oh, did I mention I also have a NP & kids and a committed career? How did I manage to be in love with 4 people? Am I doomed to just blow this all up as it will be impossible to manage?

   Crazily Over Committed in Canada”

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