Last Q&A of the year!

That’s right, folks…we’ll be getting back into Q&A episodes and hopefully streamlining the process next year. For now, enjoy the discussions we have around the following questions for this episode:

1. “I fell in love with a colleague who is poly . My wife and I have done swinging, no emotional ENM, in the past (pre-child who is now 4). The colleague and I struggled to navigate "just friends" while we worked together -- what to share with each other, what not to share. How to acknowledge the feelings and not act on them/escalate. In this struggle and in realizing how much poly "fit" for me (and always has), my feelings deepened. My wife was aware of the feelings and that I was interested in opening, but we needed to build more security in our relationship first. She felt acknowledgement of our feelings was an emotional affair, and has been extremely hurt.

   Nearly all affair literature/approaches are based on a monogamous framework, where the only thing that matters is the original, primary couple. It counsels to cut off all contact with the "AP", focus on the primary couple, never look back. I understand needing to focus on repair and rebuilding security and trust, but cutting someone out of my life who I love and have a rare and important connection with does not vibe with my values, and it feels like it is being "imposed" on me. I want to choose both my wife and my (former) colleague. I want to love fully and openly.

   Do you have any ideas or thoughts on how to create security / trust in a relationship when there is a breach of trust, from a polyamorous perspective (i.e. as opposed to a mono framework that says "cut ‘em out, don't look back")? Especially when you and your partner have pretty different views on what happened and what it meant? In my couple's therapy, I feel shoved into a framework that doesn't fit or make sense for me.”

2. “How do you like to navigate unrequited NRE? How is this different for you compared to when you’re in reciprocated NRE?”

3. “I just realized I'm in a relationship where my partner is hypersexual and I'm very insecure due to trauma. I've only been poly with them for a year and they recently started having sex with someone new and I feel like an emotional wreck from jealousy. It's like every lull in sex drive, lapse of physical affection or attention, or less passionate sex isn't innocent, but has ulterior motives now and I fantasize of going back to when most of their sex drive being more for me (I'm fairly sexual so this is great for me). I'm in therapy for the insecurity but that could take years to solve, so what could I do to make this jealousy easier so my partner can continue having fun?”

4. “This question is mostly geared towards Emily if she's comfortable answering it but I'd love to hear from any combination of folks! What are some questions to ask myself to determine if conscious monogamy may be a good fit for me? The backstory is very long and complicated but the shortest version is that I practiced nonhierarchal polyamory for three years and truly thought I had a stable, happy relationship with my former partner of five years and my meta of a year and a half but they both independently broke my heart in the span of a few weeks and it really rocked my world. I found myself truly single for the first time since I was 19, and the idea of monogamy seemed...easier? I'll be starting grad school soon, and having enough time for one relationship already seemed tricky. I've met someone I've really hit it off with, and I recognize I am in deep NRE as I'm falling in love with them. I had told them I wasn't looking for another serious relationship after my recent big life change, but I really want to pursue this deep connection with them. I've told them about my polyamorous past, and they've said they're open to trying polyam at some point, but I'm not sure if I want to open myself to multiple heartbreaks like that again. That reasoning alone isn't a good reason to commit to monogamy, though. I'd love your input on some more productive ways to process this pretty big question, either with my new partner or myself. Thanks!”

5. “I don't really have a big question, but I would really love to hear your take on relationship symbols, wedding rings, tattoos, collars, etc.”

As always, if you’d like to have your question considered for a future Q&A episode, please visit patreon.com/multiamory and consider becoming one of our Patreon supporters!