Why go back to monogamy?

We discussed some reasons why someone might return to monogamy in episode 449, but just to recap, some of them could be:

• They find that a polyamorous lifestyle doesn’t really work for them.

• They are in the midst of a big transition and want to make things easier in terms of scheduling or other life concerns. 

• They are overwhelmed with a job or school and simply can’t take on additional partners. 

• It was their intention all along to become monogamous when they found someone they wanted to settle down with. 

• They meet someone who makes them want to become monogamous (or someone who gives them an ultimatum about being monogamous).

Some of the potential benefits to consider if you’re thinking about returning to monogamy could be:

• More time and energy to work on projects outside of relationships 

• Emotional and physiological stabilization in your relationship 

• The social paradigm of “the best type of relationship is monogamy” is deeply prevalent in many cultures. You may find your life is easier if you adhere to a more normative lifestyle.

When someone has been polyamorous for a long time and meets someone with whom they want to be monogamous, that’s fine! But there should be some considerations, like:

• This may be a simple case of being in deep NRE for a period of time. NRE can last for 6-12 months and will eventually fade.

• It might be a good idea to not make any big lifestyle changes because of one person in the first year.

• Think strategically about the long-term ramifications of your decision, especially if you are dating other people. How will they be affected by this decision? 

• If you do become monogamous again, you are limiting the potential option of dating other people, maybe for a LONG period of time.

• If you become monogamous, your partner may never want to become polyamorous again, and that may be a decision that affects your life for the duration of your time together.

If you do ultimately decide monogamy is best for you at this point in your life, some tips we have for being courteous and respectful while doing so are:

• Be sure to figure out the best way to relay that information to your other partners. This will very much depend on circumstances.

• Prepare for potential pain, hurt, and blowback from telling your partners you are leaving them to become monogamous. 

• If this is a plan you’ve had for some time, it might be a good idea to try to make that known early on in the relationship. 

• Give your partners the courtesy of breaking off the relationship in person, if possible.

• Own your part in the breakup and own the hurt you may cause this person for your decision. 

• It’s okay to mourn and grieve the loss of these relationships, even if they were casual.

• Give them time before you try to be friends with them or transition your relationship into something more. Let them be the ones to spearhead that transition if they so choose.