229 - Live: Ask Multiamory

Full transcript available

Welcome to our live show! For the first time, we're taking questions from our listeners about polyamory and any specific issues they're running into in their own relationships. Let us know how you feel about shows like this in the future, and we might start incorporating them into our podcast routine!

Our theme music is Forms I Know I Did by Josh and Anand.

Please send us your feedback and questions to info@multiamory.com, find us on Instagram @Multiamory_Podcast, tweet at us @Multiamory, check out our Facebook Page, visit our website Multiamory.com, or you can leave us a voicemail at 678-MULTI-05. We love to hear from our listeners and we read every message.

Transcript

This document may contain small transcription errors. If you find one please let us know at info@multiamory.com and we will fix it ASAP.

Jase: On this episode of the Multiamory Podcast, we are venturing forth into the realms of cyberspace, and doing our first virtual live episode for a small select privately invited audience.

Emily: So private, so select.

Jase: This is something that we're trying out as a way to get some audience interaction and allow people to be here for a live episode and participate even if you're not able to physically come to a place when we're doing a tour or something like that. This is something that we're thinking about doing. This may be a more regular feature. We'd love to know what you all think about it, if it's something that you're interested in attending, or if you just like listening to them.

We have a few people in our audience who have brought questions that they want to ask or topics that they want to discuss on the show. I guess let's just get right into it. Our first person up is Rebecca. Rebecca, can you grab your spot on stage.

Rebecca: Hi.

Emily: Hi there.

Jase: Hello, welcome.

Rebecca: Hello, welcome.

Emily: You brought the wine right after this for sure, doing the same.

Rebecca: It's 10:30 at night here.

Emily: Oh goodness, thank you for being with us.

Rebecca: You're very welcome. I got all three kids to bed, and we got some wine, we're good to go.

Emily: Oh, that’s lovely.

Dedeker: That's what we're doing.

Jase: Beautiful. What's the question that you have for us today?

Rebecca: All right, I've been in the poly world for quite sometime now, but on and off throughout my life. One of the things that I've been dealing with as a trouble spot lately is, I'm really great at working with my feelings of jealousy and all of the past things from my mono relationships when I'm dealing with my husband dating people who are also poly. However, he's dated somebody recently who is from the mono world interested in poly, and I'm finding that I'm struggling a lot more with those things I thought I had under control, and really working through those. The question is, how do I take those concerns, those fears, those worries away when I'm dealing with new to poly?

Dedeker: That's a great question, actually. I do want to ask a quick clarifying question. Have there been particular instances or behaviors or things that have happened that have been more triggering to you, or is it just he's just dating this person and the idea that they're new to poly has brought up a lot of concerns, or is it a mix of both?

Rebecca: It's probably a little bit of a both. One of the main triggers is that I am very much of the kitchen table poly variety, and she's very uncomfortable with that. There's a struggle there because she wants him there. She wants the time with him-

Emily: I see.

Rebecca: -as opposed to us all being together. It is more my choice.

Emily: By kitchen table, you mean just that everyone can be together, and it's not weird in that sense that you can have interactions with multiple people at once and not have it be resentfully triggering or something challenging for you, but that's not necessarily the case for her?

Rebecca: Exactly. Not to say that she wouldn't eventually get to that point or anything, but it causes all of those fears that I thought I had under control because when you're dealing with other people who've been there, done that, it's a lot easier whereas-

Emily: Of course.

Rebecca: -when it's somebody who's new to it, you start worrying.

Jase: Well, can I ask then? Just we're going to keep probing you with questions at the start here.

Rebecca: Go for it.

Jase: You mentioned that things are coming up now that you had gotten under control, or you had already processed before. Then you also mentioned that part of the concern is the fact that she doesn't want to all hang out together. She's taking him away from you more often. I'm curious how much of it is just the very pragmatic like, "I don't get to see him as much because she wants to spend time with him alone and we can't all hang out together," and how much of it is more those kind of fears of something worse than that happening?

Rebecca: Fear. A lot more of it is the-- I don't know if it's the former or latter, because you went back and forth. The bigger problem is not the time away. I actually travel for work a lot. I'm probably from home a lot. We have three kids. We're used to going out separately. I'm not worried about a poly person trying to take my person. If this person isn't comfortable with me, and isn't spending time, it feels a little bit like I worry about that even though I know that's not my place. Not that we all are.

Emily: The potential maybe.

Rebecca: It just causes more of that insecurity, even though I fully trust my partner. I fully trust that he knows what he's doing. That doesn't change, but I still go through it.

Dedeker: Yes, totally. That's a good segway actually that you brought up the trust thing because for me, I feel like it boils down to trust of your partner, but also trust of this person. I think that's two different channels that can have their own unique challenges and own unique feelings to them. I know in my experience-- I definitely have a wealth of experience of a partner of mine dating someone who's maybe inexperienced or this is all brand new to them, or they've been a dedicated monogamist up to this point. I've definitely had the experience of when I don't trust my partner, when I think my partner is like if this person puts a little pressure on my partner, my partner is going to be like, "Yes, sure, I'll go be monogamous with you." I've definitely had that experience where the person that I dated didn't feel very trustworthy to me. I didn't feel like was going to have good boundaries or advocate for me or our relationship. That was really stressful.

I've also had the experience where I did trust my partner a lot and did trust like, "Yes, they have good boundaries. They know what they want. They know how this is going to go. They know how to describe our relationship to someone. They know how to set up expectations for this person." Then that leads to also the trust of this person, which I really feel you talking about. If this person's brand new, what are they going to do? Are they going to try to take this person away from me? Are they going to throw a fit, snap and scream and just make all our lives a living hell?

Then combined with if this person doesn't want to see me or hang out with me, then it can feel like a slap in the face of like, "Well, what's wrong with me? What's wrong with them?" Stuff like that. That one's definitely more challenging because I definitely-- If there's some reason why a partner or a metamour doesn't want to meet me or doesn't even want to meet for coffee, I'm definitely like, oh gosh, I get really nervous. I have also had to really just take a chill pill and be like this person gets to choose what level of interaction they get to have with me. I can express to them either directly or through my partner, ideally directly. I can express to them, "Hey, would love to meet you. You're welcome at my home whenever. Would love to get coffee." I can put that out there. They don't necessarily have to accept it. I found whatever I can do to try-- Can I take a chill pill there and just know it's their own life, they're going to make their own decisions.

Combining that with trusting my partner, knowing, well, as long as I trust my partner, if this mono person suddenly throws a fit one day, that's going to be his problem. I trust that he'll be able to handle it. I trust it's going to be okay, but it is going to be his problem. That's what my experiences have been.

Jase: I feel like it's really a situation where, I would say, he's the one who should be more nervous here.

Rebecca:

Jase: Because yes, if it does come to that, that is going to be a shitty situation for him to feel stuck in between like, "I like this person, but they want something from me that I'm not willing to give." That's going to be a difficult situation, for sure.

Rebecca: Yes, and I agree with that piece too, that foreseeing of potential pain for my partner and not wanting to have them go through that, which also plays into it as well. So a good call.

Emily: Yes, totally understandable. I know for myself, when my partner who was new to polyamory, started dating someone who had a lot of similar interests, he read poetry and was very intellectual in various ways that perhaps I'm not, and that to me was really challenging just because it did bring up these emotions of feeling unworthy in a way.

Obviously, that's not what you're going through, but because I had those emotions, coupled with the fact that he was new to polyamory, I thought like, "Well, maybe he would find this person more attractive than me in a variety of ways, and want to go off with them and leave me behind," kind of thing. That, I remember. It just jogged my memory when you were talking about your situation, in the reverse order. It is, I think, very understandable and challenging. Just the newness of that in any direction is a potential for volatility, and a potential for the unknown.

I think any sort of self-soothing, understanding, or as Dedeker said, being able to talk with this person if you can, and just say like, "Hey, I am willing and able to have some sort of friendship or understanding, neutrality between the two of us if you want it." I think that that's important because I know putting someone in front of you when you're wondering like, "What is this person like? Are they actually way more interesting than I am? Shit." It's sad. If you're actually meeting with them, then that can be really helpful.

Dedeker: I don't want to belabor this too much, but I will piggyback off of that. I think that when you're more experienced, it sounds like you've already been around the block with this poly thing with your husband, and especially, it's clear to you that you want kitchen table poly, and that's something you're comfortable with, that when you're in that position, it can be easy to forget what it's like for someone totally new. Because it's I'm like, "Well, I know I'm not scary, and I know that meeting a metamour isn't as scary as everyone thinks that it is. I know it'll be totally easy and totally fine, and they'll feel totally welcome," but they don't know that.

When I first started dating non-monogamy, so they're like, "Hell, no, I didn't want to meet my partner's other partners." Over the years, actually, one of my current partners, Alex, when I first started dating him, he was brand new, and he wasn't giving me a, "Hell, no," but he was like, "Ooh, I don't know if I'm ready for that. I don't know how I feel about that." Now he's fine. It may just be a matter of patience also, that just takes a while for that, that it's really easier said than done. Unless you're getting to see my reaction.

Jase: That is a unique perspective we don't get to have on this show. We're just talking into a black box. If I could offer maybe something completely different from what we've been saying so far, and that is, there's something that might be a little bit helpful, is to think about, well, what if, essentially, the worst realistic case scenario happens, where she does get attached to him, and then feel really uncomfortable, and try to convince him to be more monogamous. Or more often, I feel like it comes up as trying to do little things to get the trappings of monogamy. It can be very easy for people in that situation to start compromising on their other poly relationships when they're getting pulled toward this monogamous one. Not out of a sense of doing that intentionally, but of, "Well, I want to keep this person happy." It seems like such little things to ask, but then they can add up. Let's look at the worst case scenario here. If that's happening, do you trust that your husband wouldn't just be like, "Yes, I'm going to be monogamous now, bye?"

I think it's still reasonable to think, "Yes, but he still might try to do things to make her more comfortable that aren’t going to suck for me and for our relationship," and maybe to think about where your boundaries are on that, and maybe even, ideally, have a conversation with him about that. To just be like, "Hey, I know this is really like being afraid of something that's not even happening, but I just want us to talk about this a little so that I know we're on the same team here, and that this isn't going to happen." Either for yourself, figuring out what your boundaries are around that, or with him. I know for me that would make me feel more comfortable because I've been in a situation.

Rebecca: A control freak.

Jase: Okay, that's it.

Emily: There you go.

Rebecca: Just to be honest, that would totally help, just that understanding of what exactly-- If this then, this kind of situation-- That makes a ton of sense to me.

Jase: I would encourage you to look at that as much as possible for yourself. Not so much of like, "Hey, husband, let's agree on these specific things," because then we start to get into this weird, like we're trying to anticipate everything that could go wrong, and making rules, and stuff like that. Instead, maybe spend some time thinking for yourself like, "How do I react in this case," so you're not caught off guard if it does. I feel like you also feel prepared. It's like when you have cans of food in your pantry. You can relax a little bit more about the zombie apocalypse, that kind of thing.

Never relax about the zombie apocalypse. That's true.

Emily: Oh, boy. Yes, indeed.

Jase: Well, thank you so much for coming up and asking your question, Rebecca.

Emily: Thank you.

Rebecca: Thank you. Thank you, guys.

Emily: Thanks, as well.

Rebecca: Thank you.

Jase: Whoops, did that one too soon. Sorry about that.

Emily: Goodbye.

Jase: Bye-bye.

Emily: Bye-bye.

Jase: I'm still learning the system here.

Dedeker: Who's next? I think I wrote down Ryan is next.

Jase: Yes, Ryan.

All hosts: Come on down.

Ryan: Hey, guys. So longtime listener, first-time caller, here's my question. When people have different expectations as far as their poly paradigm, will say, maybe one person is more kitchen table, another person is maybe more parallel poly or solo poly, how do you negotiate the space in between that? What is the best approach to--

Dedeker: I was just ignited too, gosh.

Jase: Sorry, you distracted us with song lyrics.

Emily: I love me Dave Matthews.

Dedeker: If only you had a soundboard where you could pull up these kind of beats.

Jase: That'd be good. I'll have to work that out for next time. I'm sorry to interrupt you. Please go on, Ryan.

Ryan: Basically, if one person is let's say, for instance, I'm more parallel poly or solo poly, and my metamour, let's name him Rob, is more kitchen table, and Rob wants a lot of like, "Hey, let's all get along. Let's hang out. Let's go to the movies. Let's all these things and negotiate things together," and I'm not interested in that at all like, "You're great, but I'm here to have a relationship with this other person," let's call her Ellen, "and you necessarily." What's the best way to negotiate that space for myself, but also maybe for him as well? Maybe he has things that, if he's listening, that might help him to negotiate that as well.

Dedeker: Okay. Just to get a sense of it, is the idea that my metamour specifically wants a different type or a different practice of polyamory, or metamour relations, let's say. Let's just get more specific with it. My partner's partner wants different metamour relations that I want. How do we negotiate that? Is that the gist?

Ryan: Yes, exactly. That's exactly it.

Jase: What about the common partner in between? Where do they fall on the kitchen table versus parallel solo?

Ryan: I don't really know. I was really drawing more of, A, what I have seen happening in my common space than in-- This is not a present struggle for myself, but it's something that I see a lot of my friends or partners struggling with, where they have one expectation, and then their metamour has a completely different concept of what is "the right way" to live their life.

Jase: Yes, definitely. Something that comes to mind for me with this, and I know this isn't always the most enjoyable answer for people to hear, but I think that this is a case where the person who wants less is the person who gets to have what they want. What I mean by that is, if someone's like, "I don't really want to have a relationship with you, regardless of what kind of relationship that is, to then force that relationship upon them is not a great thing to be doing. That obviously can be very problematic, but more likely, it's just shitty to force that relationship on someone. Whereas on the other hand, the person who really wants the relationship, it's like, well, it doesn't matter if you want it if the other person doesn't. I feel like it's a situation where the lowest common denominator is the one that wins out.

Emily: They’re almost the pace car

Jase: Yes. If you think of it in just a very practical sense, it has to be that way. Because I don't think it would be right or fair to force that person to have a relationship they didn't want to. Now that said, I think we talked about this earlier when we were talking with Rebecca, that it's you can, however, try to make it feel as nonthreatening and as accessible as possible so that maybe that person will be like, "I didn't realize that this could be cool." Do you know what I mean? In their head, they're probably assuming what we all would if we didn't have another experience of just like, "Yes, if I'm dating someone, and they're dating someone else, we should all be kept secret from each other, and it's best not to talk about it," like people do when they're casually dating.

Emily: There's probably layers to that as well.

Jase: Yes. I guess what I'm saying is there is something to be said for doing what you can to make that feel accessible.

Dedeker: Sorry to jump in. I think you're flipping what the scenario was. Because, Ryan, you said, you're more of the like, "I don't really want to have that much contact," and it's your metamour who's more the, "Hey, I--"

Jase: Right. He's also asking for advice from the other side. I think from either side, there is, on the one sense, it's like no one can force you to have a relationship you don't want to have, but then on the other side, it's like, "Well, maybe make that more accessible so that it doesn't feel like something that they're so opposed to."

Dedeker: I think a couple of things come to mind for me. First one being, and we talked about this, again, when we were talking to Rebecca, I definitely want to affirm parallel poly isn't the right way to do things, kitchen table poly isn't the right way to do things, solo polo isn't the right way to do things. I don't want anyone to feel like you have to be sitting on metamour's lap, or you have to be doing this, or you have to have this kind of relationship, or you need to communicate with them in this way, or anything like that.

I think the most important thing here, what this conversation reminds me of is it reminds me of some clients I was working with. Or it's a similar mismatch of what the expectations were, where one of them was a little more hands-off, or a little bit more standoff, I guess I should say, and the other was much more like, "No, I really want some kind of relationship with you." It was really interesting because what I hadn't considered before, specifically in getting to talk to the person who wanted more of the kitchen table relationship, that she was feeling like, "I just feel rejected. I feel like there's something wrong with me, and I feel like I'm trying to repair that and trying to repair that, and I keep being rejected." Whereas the person who was more standoffish was just like, "No, I don't have a problem. I just don't feel like all of us going to the movies together or whatever."

I'm wondering if that might be something there to that, with people who have these kind of mismatched expectations, that if we can reach a neutral ground of where we can reach what I like to call it, I think we've referred to it on the show before, as the neutral positivity relationship between metamours, of like if we can reach that where it's like, "You know you're safe. You know I don't hate you. You know I don't have a problem with you. It's just that I prefer to have more alone time, or I prefer to be focused on my partner." I think that can be really important. I think it can be important to put an emphasis on direct communication with this person about these things because it's probably something that's more likely to get garbled through your partner, or get garbled if there's a lack of communication through your partner. It may be a thing. Again, it seems like this would be also really important to get the mutual partner's input on as well, of figuring out, is there a good compromise that would make everyone feel safe enough to engage in this relationship?

Maybe it is like once every six months, we can go to the movies together, or maybe once every six months like, "Yes, sure. We're okay to hang out at a party together or whatever." What is enough that makes maybe you feel like, "I have breathing room, and this person's not trying to force a relationship on me," but it makes the other person feel like, "I'm seeing, and I'm connected to, and we have a channel of communication, and it's not that you hate me or rejecting me." I realize that may not always be the feelings that each person's feeling, but that's just what comes to mind for me. What do the two of you think?

Emily: I think language is an important thing to put out there in a really positive way, or even just a neutral way. Because there's a difference between being like, "Hey, I'm very committed to our mutual partner. That's where my focus is. That's something that I feel is more-- Just where my interest lie in my life," and like, "I think you're awesome, you're great, but I'm not really comfortable with us all hanging out in a certain way or in a certain fashion," versus being like, "Hey, man, I'm not going to hang out with you. That's not a thing that I'm going to do." There are ways I think in which to say the same thing in better or worse ways. If that can be done with kindness, and with love, and also maybe always keeping open communication-- For instance, Dedeker's two partners, Jase and Alex, they're not the best of friends, but they definitely have open communication with one another.

Dedeker: It's not like you don't get along or anything like that.

Emily: No, not at all. It's not anything along those lines. It's just that they don't all need to hang out together all the time. They will if that occurs in the moment, but there's no push to do that, per se. I think it's just a mutual understanding and also respect for one another. It is a fine line, potentially, especially if somebody so deeply wants to be involved in everybody's life, then that can be potentially challenging, but I do think that they also should respect the person's wishes, who's like, "Hey, I actually am just more interested in having a loving relationship with this person. I respect you and good for you. I hope you're doing great, but I'm just not very interested in hanging out in that fashion, three of us or more of us or whatever." Jason?

Jase: How's that all feeling for you so far, Ryan? I'm just curious to check in on what things have resonated with you and what ones that you're like, "Well, I don't know if that applies here."

Ryan: I found a lot of that really helpful. Certainly, I agree about speaking with people with compassion and kindness. I really liked neutral positivity. I think is a good anchor point because I think sometimes it can be hard to distill what that means, especially in a space where you're trying to maybe create space with people. I like neutral positivity. I made a little note for myself here about that. That's all been very helpful. Thank you, guys, very much.

Dedeker: You have a very good radio voice, Ryan. I just have to say.

Emily: Yes, I love that voice.

Ryan: Thank you so much.

Jase: Have you a studio microphone set up there with you and everything?

Ryan: Not at all.

Jase: It sounds great.

Ryan: Well, thank you very much.

Emily: Yes, it does, maybe just not a very live room. It's like a good setup for sure.

Dedeker: We might be calling you up next time we need to record some kind of voiceover or something.

Ryan: Please do.

Jase: This one's an interesting-- It's an interesting topic. I feel like it's just-- It varies so much based on what's going on in the situation. Because I know I've been in situations where that has felt really negative, when someone has told me they, as a metamour, that they didn't want to have a relationship with me. That felt really shitty and maybe condescending or standoffish or arrogant or all sorts of negative associations.

Emily: We also bring our own personal baggage to it entirely.

Jase: I was going to say I've also had other times where it's, like Emily brought up with Dedeker's partner, Alex, where neither of us have ever been like, "Hey, bro, don't try to be friends with me," but at the same time, have been like, "Yes, I don't feel a big need to toss a tan," but when something comes up, we can." I think maybe that's the difference, is the other one felt like, "Well, I just can't even communicate here at all," as opposed to like, "Yes, this is open, and if you need something from me, absolutely. Let's communicate. If you want to work together on something to plan something for our partner, sure, but I don't really want to just all hang out together and watch movies or whatever." Then maybe it's not so much about the fact that they're a metamour, but just what you like to do with your time.

Dedeker: Also maybe the fact they're on different continents also.

Jase: Well, yes, that too.

Emily: Well, I've done that with all of you.

Jase: That's true. Well, look at this technology right here. We can be in whatever continent watching a movie together.

Dedeker: Let's have a big old metamour party with everybody watching a movie together.

Jase: Yes, and live stream it. Goodness.

Dedeker: All right. Thank you, Ryan.

Jase: Thank you so much.

Ryan: Thank you so much.

Dedeker: All right. Now our final contestant, final jeopardy.

Emily: Camille.

Emily: What's that? Oh, yes.

Dedeker: Or what was the final spending we have was about spinning wheel of fortune?

Jase: Was it? Yes, the final spin was a thing at one point.

Dedeker: Yes, something like that.

Camille: My question is about surviving NRE from the outside as a partner who is in old relationship energy with their partner. The context for this question is on behalf of my resting partner with whom I've been living for seven years, my husband. In the past six months, have taken on two lovely new partners for the first time since we've been open for about eight months. It's all scary and intimidating, and I would like to know how to best support him.

We also live in the Bible belt in a small city, and dating has been hard for him as a straight married poly guy too. He has some envy. His look right now lack the relevance watching my relationships blossom and it's contradicting for me as well because I don't want to rub my happiness in his face in a way, but also walk the line between open communication and supporting him too.

Dedeker: Is this something that he has come to you with of like, "Hey, I'm really struggling here." Or is it something that you've just been feeling guilt over, or has it been mixed of both?

Camille: It's a mix of both, but we do communicate often about it, but just recently he was saying his feeling that squeaky, just a little scary. Not really putting exact language to it, but just general discomfort at witnessing NRE from the outline.

Jase: There's a lot of pieces going on at the same time. I think Dedecker is trying to tease out which ones should we talk about, because especially when you're newer to polyamory, I find this happens, is it just happens sometimes that one person has better luck than the other at certain times. This could flip around the other way at some point too or maybe it takes him way longer to find a partner, but then he finds one that's nice and solid. Meanwhile, you've had eight breakups, and that's been really hard on you. Anything can happen.

Dedeker: Eight breakups? I don't know.

Jase: You know what I'm saying.

Dedeker: No, I get you. It means as well, eight breaks up for how it feels.

Jase: Yes. I feel like eight breakups. I'm sorry. I'm just being super pessimistic and now frowning. I guess what I mean is that I've found that over time in my relationship with Dedeker, it's really varied which of us can have more partners. It's easy to be jealous on either side too. Sometimes it's like I have all these partners and maybe once the NRE wears off a little bit, you're like, "I'm so jealous of all the alone time and free time you get." Because I feel like every spare moment I'm spending time with my partners, which I love, but I'm not getting my alone time, so it really can fluctuate

Dedeker: Or what I've also experienced is like once the NRE wears off and then your partner find someone new and then they're an NRE, then it could just so easy to get into the grass is greener kind of situation essentially.

Emily: In terms of actionable things that you can be doing for him, and I'm sure you're great at doing this already, but it is things like asking what do you he needs in the moment? If it is something such as reassurance. If there's a specific thing that's been really challenging for him and he needs reassurance on such as the amount of time that you're spending may be away from the house or sleepovers or something like that. If you can really make a specific date night with him or a couple of date nights with him, instead of just doing your day to day thing at the house. If you can bolster him up and build him up and make him feel special in that way as well. That's probably going to be very nice for him. Because we've all been there. This definitely, especially with very long term relationships that just don't always maybe have that sparky intense energy of NRE, which is totally understandable, it can feel difficult in those moments, especially if you're having great sex with someone else, things like that. All of that together can be challenging. Even if you come home from a date and your husband can't see the excitement. Those things, not that they shouldn't be there and that's amazing that they are, but it obviously, understandably can be challenging.

Jase: I just wanted to real quick, I'll pass it off to Dedeker, I just really want a quick second the idea of really prioritize having quality date time with your nesting partner, with your husband. Because it's easy to just be like, "Yes, we spend more time together than I do with anyone else." but it's like doing the laundry and cleaning the house and--

Dedeker: Or even bed sitting.

Emily: Like same old, same old.

Jase: She's like being really proactive about that?

Dedeker: Yes. Like daytime where it's like you're actually showering and shaving and putting on makeup if you do that and getting dressed up. Even if it's just like we're going to go to the little cafe that we've gone to a billion times, there's a ritual around date time. Related to that, I did want to ask another question of, are there particular things that are more triggering or more upsetting to him? Are there particular things that he witnesses brings up stuff that you know of?

Camille: That's a good question. I was trying to think of that because specifically, both my relationships are LDR. It's a lot of video chatting, and recently we've had discussions about me making sure I'm checking my phone etiquette and not being absorbed into my phone. Because I also work from my phone too, so there are just a lot of reasons that pull me into my phone, but I know I have to be better about that. It's the attention away, because my dates are in the house. If he doesn't have anything planned, it's kind of something he has to physically and intentionally distract himself for a while.

Dedeker: I was going to ask, because for different people it's different things. For some people, maybe this probably wouldn't happen so much since your relationships are long distance. For some people, it is having to watch their partner getting showered and getting prettied up and then heading out the door. For some people, often for me what tends to trigger me the most, if my partner is an NRE, is the phone thing. Because I've been there. I know when you're an NRE and it's just like Emoji Emoji, Emoji, Emoji. That's the thing that tends to upset me the most. With you being in the house on your dates, that is interesting, because that is also something to work with. Because you could potentially, the dates don't always have to be in the house because I also often work with my own relationships being long distance for some part of the year that sometimes I will be like, "All right, I'm at a Starbucks eating cake in front of you."

That's going to be our date or hangout or whatever. That doesn't have to be every time. It shouldn't be every single time, but that can be an option too. If you can have a conversation about if there's something more specific that tends to be more upsetting, then we can have a place to work from of "How can we get in front of that, or how can we make that feel a little bit more better or maybe be a little bit less present around you. You were going to say something?

Jase: I was just going to say in the spirit of giving the advice that I would love to give to your husband is, I guess just to right now while it's all new, it can feel like this. Like now I have to find something to occupy my time while she's in the other room doing this thing and I need to distract myself and whatever, and just to say that there will come a time, just stick with it. There will come a time where you so look forward to those moments. When Dedeker, when she and I are living together and she has a date with Alex where they do this Skype date, because it'll be long distance at that time.

Dedeker: Feel like, "Yes, get out of here."

Jase: Yes, like video game time, finally. Or I can work on this project that I've been wanting to work on, that she keeps wanting to talk to me while I'm trying to focus on something, and it's great. I actually really look forward to those times.

I guess just to have a little bit of hope for the future, and maybe be proactive about that, I feel like especially when you've lived with someone for quite a few years, you forgot about the things that you would do on your own because you're always around them. To figure out what those things are, maybe find new things and just really enjoy the fact that you-- I feel like it's such a common trope of married couples of being like, "I just wish I could have some time to do my projects. All my time's taken up." It's like, "Hey, you get to have that." I know for me, it's one of the things I love about non-monogamy, is that my partners do have other things to do so I get time to do the stuff I like.

Dedeker: Rebecca says, "The best part of polyamory is finding yourself again."

Jase: Yes, I agree with that.

Emily: How are you doing, Camille? Do you feel full?

Camille: Well, I feel like that's great. I would hop on what you just said. If I could ask one more question. Now, how do I find the time for myself with ?

Emily: That's a great question. You have to schedule it. Honestly surrounding all of these things, I think scheduling is huge, because again, if you can schedule even like phone time. Jase and I, when we were living together, did this too, that after the hours of eight o'clock until bedtime like, "Let's try to stay off our phones and be engaged with one another", as opposed to being engaged in work or being engaged with your other partners, or figuring out something along those lines. Again, scheduling those date nights even if it happens twice a week or whatever on the same day just so that you know and you both have something to look forward to in your relationship in that way.

Dedeker: Scheduling the alone time.

Emily: Scheduling the alone time, that's also very important. Very important.

Jase: I would definitely encourage some advice that we got four years ago, was the idea of scheduling a date night in the calendar for yourself. It's up to you what you do with it. It could be a time to catch up on chores or work stuff, or it could be just fun time, but to actually carve that out because if you don't, it's just easy for everything to creep in and then it's gone.

Emily: It's gone.

Jase: Then that week has gone by and then that month has gone by and then it's been a year and you're like, "I haven't had a single night to myself or day to myself." Schedule it. Then it helps you see like, "Boy, I don't have this much free time as I thought I did" or something. It helps you prioritize things.

Emily: Wonderful.

Jase: Well, thank you so much for coming up and sharing, Camille.

Emily: Thank you.

Camille: Thank you.

Jase: All right.

Dedeker: All right. Well, that was everybody on our roster.

Emily: Indeed it was.

Dedeker: Well, we got a little bonus question from Rebecca asking, "What's your favorite Metamour meetings story?" My favorite. I've got some bad ones.

Emily: Gosh.

Jase: Do you have a bad metamour meetings, specifically the meeting that was bad? I have a funny good meeting one. Good-ish.

Dedeker: I will say awkward ones, I think. In recent years, it's good. The meeting's good and so, therefore, it's not very exciting to talk about because it's just like, "Yes. They meet and it was fine." I had an experience, I'm sure the two of you know this and I'm sure I've told this at some point.

Emily: Yes. I'm sure.

Dedeker: Where I had not met this particular metamour yet. This was also someone who is more monogamously minded, kind of similar to Rebecca's situation. I had some anxieties about this person. Also, I did not trust my partner. That was the whole thing. I was heading to a job. I was doing a promo modeling gig for, I think it was for Xbox or something like that. It was a one night gig. It was just one event. I was heading to that gig. My partner texts me on the way being like, "By the way, I think I totally spaced this, but your metamour is also working the same job."

Emily: Wow.

Dedeker: He told me this. I literally got the text message less than an hour before I was supposed to be heading into this job.

Jase: Into this gig.

Dedeker: This person were like there's already some tension. It's like she's already been way too nervous to meet me and weird about meeting me and now, suddenly she's like, "By the way, we work in the same job. Bye."

Jase: Gosh.

Emily: Full blown.

Dedeker: I don't know if I believe that he actually spaced it. Now, I'm kind of like, "I think he knew." He just didn't know how to-

Emily: I'm sure.

Dedeker: -communicate it.

Emily: Knowing this person, I'm sure.

Dedeker: Knowing this person, yes, like he just did not know how to communicate it and bailed at the last second or whatever. It was awkward. We both felt awkward. We were in the context of it was training for this gig. We were both having to pay attention to other things, but then like, "Anyway, that's all." It ended up being fine. I went on with this person a long time later I ended up having better meetings.

Jase: That's good.

Dedeker: Slightly better, but that first one was just like, "God." Also, I've shown up in yoga pants. I haven't even dressed properly because it was just training and so it was like, "Of course." The day that I not even put together-

Emily: I'm sure her hair was gorgeous as always.

Dedeker: It's just freaking gorgeous.

Dedeker: Like, "That was mine."

Jase: Wow.

Dedeker: Kensi said that his partner met his nesting partner when she picked them both up while they were tripping on acid wondering out at downtown Davis. It's great.

Jase: Wow. Fantastic.

Emily: Wow.

Dedeker: What was your story?

Jase: I don't think I have anything quite that exciting. Mine? Wow.

Dedeker: I met her naked when she came home early. Cool.

Jase: Kind of. I see.

Dedeker: I love it.

Jase: You were naked and then the metamour came home. Nice.

Dedeker: It's great.

Jase: Good. That's funny.

Emily: It happens-

Jase: Mine, this is barely even a metamour. Emily, you only went on like one.

Emily: This was my story too.

Jase: Really? Do you want it? Wait.

Emily: No. Say it.

Jase: It's my metamour.

Emily: I know. It was just a story pertaining to the two of you. You're right. I went on a few dates, but I only slept with this person twice.

Jase: Right, but she's gone on a few dates, and he was very resistant to meeting me and thought that was weird. We were also fairly new to polyamory at the time. He was coming over. He was coming over to our place, and I was leaving.

Emily: I picked you out of the house to spend the night at Dedeker's.

Jase: Right. I was going over to Dederker's, and he was coming over to our place, and I didn't find this out until later, but I was getting my stuff ready to go. He'd been just sitting out in his car, waiting for Emily to be like, "Jase is gone" so that he could come in because he didn't want to meet me. He thought it was super weird.

Emily: This was five years ago, everyone. Please don't judge me too harshly.

Dedeker: Who is this person? Can you tell me?

Emily: It was the San Diego boy.

Dedeker: San Diego boy.

Jase: We're kind of speaking code here. Anyway, what happened was I left and then he shows up and then I realized I forgot something.

Emily: You were like, "Duh."

Jase: I had to stop him and I get out of my car and run back in or get off my motorcycle or whatever.

Emily: Because he didn't have a car.

Jase: To come back in and get something that I had forgotten, and then he was there, and then I came in, I was like, "Hey. Good to meet you" and I said, "Hi. I'm just going to grab this thing." I grab it and said, "Have a good time you guys. It's good to meet you" and I left.

Emily: When you left, he was like, "Oh, that was fine." I'm like, "Calm down."

Jase: Anyway, that's mine, I guess and Emily's funny metamour meeting story.

Dedeker: That's pretty funny.

Emily: That was the funniest that I remember. All right.