It’s Q&A time!

Today’s episode is a special additional mini episode answering just one question from our Patreon community. We’ll be doing a mini episode through the second quarter so stay tuned for next week’s as well!

Today’s question is:

This relationship was once very intense and involved, but de-escalated starting about four years ago and now feels more like a friendship to me.  This de-escalation was my partner's choice, for a number of reasons, but wasn't explicit.  Instead, standing arrangements of overnights were broken, planned trips would be whittled down or canceled altogether, date nights would be forgotten, etc.

In the beginning I engaged with her about the changes in the relationship.  I suggested that we see a counselor about the problems we were experiencing, but dropped the topic when she suggested that there wasn't a goal to achieve in therapy.  I talked to her about how I felt she was pushing me away, but she didn't want to have those conversations. At some point I stopped bringing up the topic, in large part because I avoid conflict so raising the issue was already a stretch for me.  I decided to accept the relationship for what it had become instead of wishing for something she wasn't looking for.

In the last few months, however, she has reached out to spend more time with me, and she has followed through on more - though not nearly all - of the plans that we have together.  She has said that she doesn't feel that I'm engaged in the relationship anymore, which ... I really can't argue.  I don't initiate much beyond getting a dinner together.  I expect that she won't keep plans that we make. 

I realize that my process of "accepting the relationship for what it is" has been about accepting the new limitations, and I haven't accepted any new opportunities in all this time.  How do I open myself up to the new opportunities, while remaining realistic about how much I can expect from her?

Meh in Massachusetts