Expressing feelings

First, when and why is it important to express our feelings?

1. In relationships (at the beginning, during conflict, and for effective day-to-day communication).

2. To uphold values such as honesty, integrity, and so on.

3. When making decisions.

4. When venting or getting something off one’s chest.

When and why might it be difficult to express feelings?

1. Influence from family culture.

2. Macro culture and society.

3. Feeling emotional detachment.

4. Alexithymia.

How to do it

We have four different tools that might help when you’re trying to put your emotions into words and are struggling:

1. Emotion Wheel(s): There are many different emotion wheels out there, but the most common one is the Plutchik wheel. You can examine the wheel and see if any of the emotions listed on it resonate or seem to fit what you’re currently experiencing. This may give clues to what the core emotion underneath that you’re feeling is, and prompt conversation with a partner or further reflection.

2. Mood Journaling: Record how you are feeling and what you are thinking, which enables you to be able to track your emotions, notice triggers, and recognize warning signs. At bedtime, reflect on the biggest emotions you had that day with the following outline:

   • What is the emotion?

   • What caused it?

   • Behaviors or actions this emotion caused you to take.

   • Was this emotion appropriate for the situation?

   • Is this situation a distress to be tolerated or a problem to be solved?

3. SIFT:

   • Sensation: Body sensations such as throat tightening, sweating, muscles tensing.

   • Image: Mental imagery.

   • Feeling: Emotional sensation.

   • Thought: How you make meaning of it or explanations.

4. Text it out: Although it’s generally a good idea to avoid initiating heavy conversations over text, there are some people who may find that texting or emailing may help when discussing a heavy topic. A few studies have been done to suggest there may be an “online calming effect” where participants may be less emotionally aroused when communicating via text instead of face to face.