Boundaries Revisited

Today, we’ll be discussing boundaries once more! This episode brings you an in-depth exploration of boundaries - a topic close to our hearts and the subject of previous episodes: 178: The Basics of Boundaries, 227: Rules and Agreements ft. Boundaries, and 372: Needs, Desires, Boundaries and More. Today, however, we go a step further. We're excited to introduce a unique tool from our latest book to help you define, refine, and enforce your boundaries!

Before diving in, let's take a moment to understand what boundaries are and why they're so crucial in our lives.

The Concept of Boundaries Unraveled

Since the 1980s, boundaries have been a focal point in pop psychology and among therapists. Everyone concurs on the importance of respecting and honoring boundaries. Yet, the clarity on their definition, purpose, and practical application often blurs. Misconceptions and misuse abound, such as viewing boundaries as ultimatums, using them as punishment, or replacing expectations with boundaries.

Our take on boundaries, rules, and agreements diverges from these misconceptions. Here's our simple breakdown:

“A rule is a behavioral limit, breaching of which incurs consequences. An agreement is a consensual decision that establishes behaviors for mutual trust and predictability. Boundaries, on the other hand, are your personal guidelines, limits, or standards aimed at self-protection and preservation of your values.”

The Importance of Boundaries

Boundaries serve as a personal advocacy tool, facilitating requests, agreements, and expression of your needs in relationships. However, they're not meant to be a solitary defense mechanism. Instead, they should function as a last line of defense, preventing unnecessary discomfort, distress, or compromise.

The frequency of boundary encroachments can be a telling sign of the health of a relationship. If you find constant infractions, it might be time to reassess, or possibly end, the relationship.

The Challenges of Effective Boundaries

Determining and adhering to boundaries can be tough. Fear of isolation, the anticipation of negative reactions, the “Fear Of Missing Out” (FOMO), or cultural and familial influences can deter us from setting firm boundaries. Furthermore, past experiences of punishment, gaslighting, or disregard for enforcing boundaries can also pose obstacles.

Recognizing and respecting others' boundaries can be equally challenging. If you're struggling to honor others' boundaries, it may reflect on your ability to respect your own. The reasons may range from misunderstanding others' needs to past experiences of boundaries being used against you.

Introducing YourSELF: A Boundary-Setting Tool

Overcoming these obstacles is possible with our boundary-setting tool, YourSELF. This journaling exercise can be revisited and revised as you evolve and develop new boundaries. The acronym stands for:

1. Search for recurring upsetting situations and the associated behaviors in your past. Identify patterns and behaviors you wish to change, writing at least three significant past experiences in your journal.

2. Empower yourself by brainstorming empowering boundaries that would make you feel safer or more stable in those challenging scenarios. Ensure the boundaries you create are entirely enforceable by you.

3. Live it by applying the boundary in real life and sharing it with relevant people when necessary. Record your observations in your journal to assess the effectiveness of your boundary.

4. Follow Up to refine your boundary, identify any shortcomings, or realize the necessity of completely redefining it. Reflect on your experience with enforcing the boundary and plan steps to make it more effective.

Remember, the acronym SELF stands for Search, Empower, Live it, Follow Up. Happy boundary-setting!