What is ambiamory?

The term ambiamory can be defined as a sub-identifier falling under the polyamory umbrella, describing individuals who are content with either monogamous or polyamorous relationships. Unlike some polyamorous people who cannot fathom monogamy or monogamous individuals who cannot tolerate the idea of polyamory, ambiamorous individuals experience no distress or feelings of being trapped in either relationship structure.

“Ambiamorous is a term that typically refers to individuals who enjoy both monoamory as well as polyamory. Ambiamorous people generally have little or no preference between either one.”

-LGBTQ Wiki

Origins

According to Google Trends, there’s been a recent resurgence in popularity of the term ambiamory, though its true origins are unknown. Google shows peaks of interest in 2004-2006 and a significant increase in July 2020, mirroring the broader surge of interest in non-monogamy over the past five years. Despite limited information on the term's origin, it is clear that ambiamory has recently become a topic of discussion and curiosity.

Identity or preference?

As we’ve discussed before, the debate on whether polyamory and monogamy should be viewed as identities or preferences is complex. Instead of a binary perspective, some, like Page Turner from Poly.Land, argue that a spectrum exists between the two orientations. Ambiamory emerges within this spectrum, indicating that individuals can embrace both monogamous and polyamorous tendencies to varying degrees, just as the spectrum of sexual orientations spans beyond heterosexual and homosexual categories.

Turner also describes some potential reasons someone might want to identify as ambiamorous, pointing out that most of the time, “a person identifies as ambiamorous because it's important for them to signal to people that they are open to having either monogamous or non-monogamous romantic relationships.” This might be because:

• Someone wants to acknowledging experience and/or comfort with polyamorous relationship systems but is also open to monogamy.

• They are currently either in a monogamous relationship or a polyamorous relationship system and don't want the other side of their identity to be erased by their current status.

• They want to be part of both polyamorous and monogamous social communities, while emphasizing that they don't consider either relationship structure to be "the one true way" for people to have happy relationships.

Discrimination towards ambiamory

There are anecdotal accounts from ambiamorous individuals on Reddit about experiencing discrimination from both monogamous and non-monogamous folks. For instance:

• “Being ambiamorous is really hard because neither poly nor mono people trust us.”

• “I am fulfilled single or with one partner but would not be fulfilled in expected monogamy. So it's doubtful I would create a relationship with someone ambi because of the risk they would "go mono" on me. Most people have that happen at some point and it is shitty.”

• “I would tend to think ambiamory could only really work in a descriptive mono dynamic as opposed to a rule-bound relationship. That is assuming, of course, that many prescriptive mono relationships (or agreements) would not allow for partnerships outside the relationship unless they were managed.”

• “Perhaps ambiamory is more a form of polyfidelity?”

Ambiamorous individuals may desire non-monogamy due to their openness to polyamorous relationships, finding deep connections with multiple partners, or valuing the network of relationships that can develop within a relationship system. Conversely, they may also opt for monogamy if their partner prefers it, if they lack emotional bandwidth for multiple partners, if suitable partners are scarce, or for the sake of simplicity and societal norms.

Some possible reasons someone who is ambiamorous might desire non-monogamy are:

• They wish to be with somebody who has polyamorous relationships. Once more, this is certainly a rather common reason. While an individual who is strictly monogamous might ponder over it a big sacrifice to conform to dating a polyamorous individual, for an ambiamorous individual this might be typically not that big of the deal after all, particularly when they, too, have the ability to pursue relationships along with other individuals if they want.

• They hit the love jackpot and discovered numerous individuals who they love and interact with on a deep level.

• They take pleasure in the network of relationships that may form between metamours. Their relationship system frequently functions as a sort of chosen family.

• They spot a quality upon enabling their lovers to truly have the freedom to see other individuals, even yet in circumstances where they on their own may date less frequently than their lovers (and on occasion even be functionally monogamous by themselves, every so often).

On the converse side, some reasons an ambiamorous person may want monogamy could be:

• They would like to be with somebody who prefers a relationship that is monogamous. Despite the fact that they could enjoy being part of polyamorous relationship systems, sometimes an ambiamorous individual will choose to just date one person because that’s exactly just exactly what their partner wishes. While this may be a huge sacrifice for somebody who prefers polyamory, you can find ambiamorous people for whom this type of modification is not actually a problem at all.

• They don’t really have the psychological bandwidth because they may be doing a bit of heavy psychological work, grieving somebody, or repairing from breakups. Numerous ambiamorous individuals will be functionally monogamous for very long stretches of the time when they don’t possess the psychological power for multiple or numerous lovers.

• They are now living in rural areas or are otherwise finding too few suitable lovers. 

• They opted to simplify their romantic life to truly save time, power and hassle. Often it is because they’re busy with non-romantic issues (due to exert effort, caregiving, disease etc.). Others who typically enjoy numerous components of polyamorous relationship systems can transition to dating just one partner if they struggled using the organizational and/or time management challenges and substantial relationship talks that will come with a polyamorous life.

• They are sick and tired of the stigma very often includes polyamorous relationships and now have consciously opted for a life that is conventional.

“The divide between monogamy and polyamory as it is often framed is a false dichotomy. You can be both, in different quantities and qualities, at different times and with different people. The labels of "monogamy" and "polyamory" are rough models to explain how we feel, but they are emphatically not the same for everyone and they are not the only options out there.”