Welcome, Leanne!

We’re so excited to be joined by Leanne Yau, polyamorous content creator and sex-positive influencer, for another Q&A episode!

Leanne, aka Poly Philia, creates and curates humorous and educational memes, tips, videos, and other bite-size content on non-monogamy, queer relationships, and sex positivity. She has narrated polyamory audiobooks, launched the Happy Polydays podcast, and provides non-monogamous peer support to individuals and couples across the globe. She was recently featured as a top influencer to follow by Men’s Health and Cosmopolitan.

On today’s episode, Leanne gives us some background on her experience as a polyamorous Gen Z’er, her goal and mission as a content creator, and helps us tackle the following questions:

1. “Hi there! I (partnered and poly practicing ktp) recently started seeing a person who identifies as being solo poly. They’ve been a serial monogamist for the most part with sprinklings of consensual non-monogamy here and there. They have been very open and honest and have told me that they believe their eventual goal would be to find their “person” and be monogamous, but aren’t dating with that goal or intention in mind right now. We both know that monogamy or a hierarchical poly situation isn’t going to be a goal for our relationship (nor is it a possibility), and have come to terms with our relationship having an “expiration date”. We care for each other a lot and communicate really well, so this is an ongoing conversation that we both acknowledge brings us sadness. We both wish to stay in each other’s lives as friends whenever we eventually de-escalate things because we do have such a strong connection. Do you have any thoughts on this or any reframes that might be helpful around this situation? Maybe even some tips in creating a gentle de-escalation?”

2. “My long distance partner isn’t interested in sexting, sending sexy pics, saying sexual things over video dates, or even saying pretty benign things like “I just thought about that really hot night we had at the beach” or “I’m just missing your body.” He has no problem saying these kinds of things (and much dirtier things) to me when we’re together in person, but he says he gets freaked out by these things being sent or said over the internet It’s getting frustrating for me because I really need this kind of stuff, not only to get me excited about him and help with fantasies, but also as reassurance that he’s thinking of me in this way and misses being with me sexually. I’ve asked him to come up with code words or phrases that mean he’s thinking of certain sexy things, but he hasn’t yet. He usually says “well you should just assume that I am, you don’t need to hear me say it!” But that’s not how I work- I’m a words of affirmation person and oh my god I DO need to hear him say it. Kind of at a loss for how to fix this. Thanks!”

3. “Although I'm both a hinge and an arm, I experience a lot less hinge anxiety than I do arm anxiety in group in-person situations. I almost experience the inverse of what you describe in that episode (MA 334), because I tend to take too much responsibility in the other direction: I feel confident that I can be kind to and present with my partners. But metamours, especially new ones, are unknowns. I have little information, no control, and this is someone that my own loved one loves a lot so I experience high stakes that the meeting go well, with neither myself nor my metamour feeling excluded or even disappointed. What advice do you have for anxious arms?”

4. “As someone with bipolar 2, I struggle with partners understanding my unpredictable mood changes, despite being upfront about my condition and sharing resources. Can you provide advice for neurodivergent individuals like myself on how to better communicate our emotional experiences to our neurotypical partners?”

5. “Wondering if you could talk a bit about being a racially minoritised person in the polyam community and point to some resources for the white people who want to date us? Asking as someone who is neither black or white and finds that most resources and voices talking about this are generally one or the other, so keen to hear from another person outside of the black/white binary that it gets made out to be sometimes.”

Find Leanne on all social channels at @polyphiliablog, or on her website, polyphilia.blog.

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