Aromanticism 101

A lot of us have heard about asexuality now that it’s gained a bit more traction in media, but fewer people have heard about being aromantic (sometimes abbreviated to aro).

Someone who is aromantic “experiences little to no romantic attraction to persons of any gender.  People who are aromantic also lack interest in having romantic relationships.”

For the purposes of this episode, we’re defining “romantic attraction” as “a desire to have emotional contact and interaction with a partner.” It’s important to realize that romantic attraction and a romantic relationship is going to vary from individual to individual and couple to couple. Some people who are aromantic are also asexual, but there isn’t always an overlap. However, both identities fall under the “Asexual Spectrum Identities.” The opposite of aromanticism is alloromanticism.

Some other identities that fall under the asexual spectrum are:

• Gray-romantic or gray-sexual: These terms refer to individuals who fall somewhere in the middle of aromantic and romantic and asexual and sexual. They may experience some romantic or sexual feelings but only under certain conditions.

• Demiromantic or demisexual: These terms refer to people who only experience romantic or sexual feelings with another person after forming an emotional bond.

• Lithromantic or akoiromantic: These terms refer to people who may feel romantic feelings toward other people but do not wish for those feelings to be returned. If those feelings are reciprocated, the attraction fades.

• Recipromantic or reciprosexual: These terms refer to individuals who only experience a romantic or sexual attraction if they know that the other person also feels the same way.

• Quoiromantic: Inability to differentiate between romantic and platonic attraction.

Amatonormativity was coined by Dr. Elizabeth Brake to describe the societal pressure to pursue a romantic, sexual, long-term monogamous relationship, especially marriage, and the assumption that everyone wants the same thing. In her writings, she uses the term to point out how this assumption minimizes and invalidates people who don’t fit that one mold, such as asexual, aromantic, or non-monogamous people, and causes us to treat single people as incomplete and somehow lacking. A similar term, mononormative, is used for the assumption that monogamous relationships are the only valid or worthwhile relationships and that anyone who isn’t in one should be seeking to enter one.

Multiamory: Tools for Modern Relationships

Anecdotes from listeners

“I’m not driven to find romantic connections and tend to want to foster close platonic ones instead. There’s always been a thing for me where I didn’t really understand much of the difference between platonic and romantic connections anyway because I rarely experience what feels like a romantic connection.”

“I need emotionally intimate friendships that are mutually supportive to thrive and sometimes that can be difficult to find in the social climate where I live. I’ve been lucky to find a group of amazing humans in the last year that really fulfill that need for me.” 

“Aromanticism has had a lot of interplay with my grey aceness as well and has had me thoroughly confused about myself in many ways.” 

“I think an important thing to cover is that aromanticism is a spectrum. I identify as quoiromantic, which to me I experience as not really feeling a difference between platonic and romantic feelings. I don’t necessarily consider myself aromantic because I like romantic attraction but I can’t really tell when, if that makes sense.” 

“I dated an aro person and one thing I wish was better understood is that aro people don’t necessarily experience less attachment, and definitely aren’t inherently insensitive even though I think these are two stereotypes associated with aromanticisim.” 

“Aromanticism is a ‘desire blank’ experience for me. I do love activities and definitely get attached to people. It’s hard to express effectively how painful it is to watch a relationship fail because I don’t match a feeling in the other person, not because I don’t want to feel that way but because I can’t.”

“Biggest observation from dating an aro person is that she doesn’t experience NRE in the same way that romantic people do (which I honestly think is a blessing sometimes). On the other hand I can understand that someone could feel excluded by not experiencing NRE or wanting to experience it.”

Some common misconceptions about aromantic people are:

1. Aromantics can’t be in partnerships/relationships: Aromantic people can be in committed relationships, but generally they don’t get crushes, feel the“gooey” or “cuddly” feelings of being in love, or potentially even have much of a desire to kiss, hold hands or cuddle their partner. 

2. Aromantic people are lonely/loners: A lot of aromantic people simply have other relationships that fulfill them just as much as romantic relationships fill alloromantic people. These can be close friendships, relationships with family members, queerplatonic partnerships and more.

3. Aromantic people just haven’t found the right person yet: Many of our listeners essentially stated that they simply can’t feel romantic attraction, no matter who the person is. Romantic partnerships just aren’t something they are interested in or have a need for. They get their needs for companionship met in other ways. 

4. Aromantic people are “repulsed” by romance: While some people may feel repulsion towards romance, others may be neutral about it, may feel positive about it, and some even enjoy bits of romance in their movies or books, but simply don’t feel the need to be romantic themselves.

How can you be an ally to aromantic people?

1. Visit https://www.aromanticism.org/en/faq for a great resource on aromanticism, especially for someone who is dating someone who is aromantic.

2. Listen to our episodes on relationship anarchy and chosen family (150, 307, and 339). We talk a lot about the concept of queerplatonic partnerships there which is something that was brought up a lot in the literature about aromanticism. 

3. Realize there’s a lot of ways to have a meaningful relationship and a lot of different forms relationships can take. 

4. Don’t ask intrusive questions about an aromantic or asexual person’s relationship or sex life. 

5. If someone tells you they are aromantic, believe them. Do your research, ask clarifying questions and don’t automatically assume that every aromantic person’s experience is the same. 

6. If a friend or family member comes out to you as aromantic, ask them if there are any kind of societal expectations they don’t want associated with them, or want others to assume they want, such as kids, marriage, long term relationships, etc.

7. If your partner comes out to you as aromantic, there may be some challenges for both of you. Using a tool like the relationship anarchy smorgasbord might be a great way to discuss what parts of the relationship you do want with one another and what parts you no longer want to engage in. See if there are ways you can renegotiate the partnership and understand that it may simply be easier for you both to end the partnership as it currently stands if each of your needs aren’t being met in the ways you want. 

8. Consider reading this article about prioritizing friendship over romantic connections: https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2020/10/people-who-prioritize-friendship-over-romance/616779/