We all want equity

It’s normal to want a fair and equitable relationship with your partners, but what does that realistically look like when you’re non-monogamous? Sometimes aggressive fairness makes an appearance in non-monogamous relationships out of a desire to ensure everything is equitable.

Aggressive fairness occurs when one or more partners in a polyamorous relationship insist that if one partner gets something, the other(s) must receive exactly the same.

Fairness does not mean perfectly equal. Fairness means we care about how each person feels and make agreements to help all of us feel as good as possible.

Equality in a relationship means that each person’s interests and desires are respected and met to a reasonable degree as opposed to just one partner’s needs dominating the relationship. Inequality in a relationship refers to an imbalance of power between partners.

You may think, what’s the trouble with aggressive fairness? Fairness is supposed to be a good thing! The trouble with aggressive fairness is it can lead to some unhappy consequences, like:

• Meaningful connections may never get to form and mature because the couple has strict guidelines on when and who the other person can date.

• A whole host of issues can arise from choosing to only date “together.” Issues like OPP or OVP can come up, treating the unicorn or third poorly, favoring the couple’s needs over the needs of the third, etc. 

• The ability to be spontaneous about when dates occur, or opportunities to go on trips or have novel experiences may be stifled by aggressive fairness.

• Feelings of guilt may override the desire to be romantic or affectionate in certain ways with a specific partner.

• Overall feelings of doing something only because you are your partner are expecting something in return.

Aggressive Fairness is a Polyamory Red Flag that comes up when our monogamous conditioning leaks into our polyamorous life. Growing up in a monogamous world, we are given the expectation that our romantic/sexual partner will always put us first, no matter what. But in polyamory, that simply isn't possible. Each relationship you might be in is a separate entity. Yes, all your partners deserve you doing nice things for them, but they should not be connected. You make romantic gestures because you want to, not because you're obliged to.

DiscoveringPolyamory.com

So what can we do about this? Consider these points if you’re worried about exhibiting aggressive fairness or trying to be less rigid about being fair and equitable in your relationships:

1. What expectations do you have for each relationship and what expectations does your partner have? Generally there should be some compromise and communication about how to best fulfill each other’s needs. 

2. Use things like the Relationship Anarchy smorgasbord to help each of you lay out your desires and expectations. 

3. Realize that in healthy non-monogamy, each relationship is going to be separate and individual and you can’t and shouldn’t try to control your partner’s relationships.

4. Realize that time is a finite resource and we simply aren’t going to be able to spend all of our free time with every individual. Decide together how much time each relationship needs and allow for some personal space and time as well.