Compromise or hold out for perfection?

In a 2023 survey from American Survey Center, 30% of single Americans say a major reason they are not dating is failure to find a partner who lives up to their expectations.

When it comes to compromising in a relationship, there’s a light side:

• If you are holding out for the perfect person or perfect relationship, you will never be in a relationship.

• You can meet people where they are.

• Don’t try to change people.

• Extend grace and understanding for a partner’s flaws, the same way that you want grace and understanding to be extended for your flaws.

• The Gottman’s have something called a “good enough” relationship.  

• Statistics about how some of the healthiest relationships are among people who know that some topics will never be resolved, and they build skill around avoiding those topics.

And a dark side:

• Settling for less than, lingering feelings of being unfulfilled, FOMO.

• Compromising fundamental aspects of oneself and core values, such as:

• Desires for monogamy or non-monogamy.

• Sexuality.

• Dreams and aspirations.

• Swallowing unacceptable behavior from a partner.

• Accepting less than what’s deserved, like neglect, an imbalance in labor, etc. 

• Feeling like you don’t deserve a better relationship, or feeling like this is just as good as relationships get.

Likewise, there’s a light and dark side to refusing to settle in a relationship. The pros of that are:

• Holding out for a partner who is a good match, who shares your values, and who treats you well.

• Getting the relationship that you want by being willing to say no to the people that don’t offer what you want.

• Attracting people who want the same things that you want.

• That there could be better conflict resolution skills here, as you may already be comfortable with stating what you want without apology.

• Supports and reinforces self-esteem, self-acceptance, and values.

And the cons:

• “Grass is greener” mentality.

• Intersections with relationship OCD and perfectionism. 

• No flexibility or understanding, no room for conflict, disappointment, or triggers.

• Can be cut off from the possibility of wonderful relationships because standards are so high. 

• The argument that some people are not in the same position to be uncompromising, due to desirability politics. 

• The pain of having to turn people down, sometimes people that could still be good matches, just not great matches.