Loving, but not liking?

This episode, inspired by a Psychology Today article, dives into liking versus loving. To understand it, first we have to address the essence of love:

• Definition and Depth: Love encompasses a range of feelings from deep affection to unconditional regard for another's well-being.

• Commitment and Sacrifice: Involves willingness to make sacrifices for the happiness or well-being of the loved one, often unconditionally.

• Unconditional Nature: Love is caring for and accepting a person regardless of their flaws or challenges within the relationship.

On the other hand, the dynamics of liking are:

• Enjoyment and Comfort: Liking someone is about enjoying their company and feeling comfortable and at ease around them.

• Shared Interests and Compatibility: Rooted in shared interests, values, or compatible personalities that foster connection.

• Mutual Respect and Admiration: Involves respect and admiration for the person's qualities and what they stand for.

Some of the distinctions between love and like are:

• Intensity and Scope: Love is more intense and reserved for a few, while liking can be felt for many based on various reasons.

• Conditional vs. Unconditional: Liking can be conditional on behavior or alignment with interests, whereas love is more enduring and unconditional.

• Emotional Investment and Expectations: Love involves deeper emotional investment and higher expectations, unlike the lighter, enjoyment-based nature of liking.

How can we challenge this idea?

Zick Rubin came up with an 80-question test relating to his theory of love, aiming to evaluate the depth and nature of one person’s feelings for another. A similar test can be taken here.

There are other theories of love, Sternberg’s theory, for example, which we discuss in episode 309. Additionally, we can:

• Challenge the interchangeability of liking and loving:

  • One can love family members without liking their behaviors or personality traits.

  • The possibility of enjoying someone's company (liking) without a deeper emotional bond (loving).

• Complexity of human emotions:

• Loving without liking: rooted in obligation or shared history, transcending personal preferences.

• Liking without loving: appreciation and enjoyment of company without deeper attachment.

• Social and emotional needs:

• Liking fulfills the need for social interaction and intellectual stimulation.

• Loving meets the need for a deeper emotional connection and long-term commitment.

Takeaways

• “What do I do if I don’t like someone I love (like partner)?”

  • Get your tank full of “likingness” elsewhere (other partners, friends).

  • Focus more on what we like (or can like) about our partners than on “love”

    • By focusing on the unconditional bit, we can focus more on self-sacrifice or duty and not enjoy our relationships as much. 

• You’re the one who knows where the cutoff is:

  • “Falling out of love” with someone may actually be falling out of enough like.

  • Sometimes it will get better with time, if you decide that’s worth it.

  • You can change the terms of the relationship.