What does it mean to lead with fear?

Fear (n.) - Fear is a defense mechanism and a survival response. Fear is experienced in your mind, but it triggers a strong physical reaction in your body. As soon as you recognize fear, your amygdala (small organ in the middle of your brain) goes to work. It alerts your nervous system, which sets your body’s fear response into motion. Stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline are released. Your blood pressure and heart rate increase. You start breathing faster. Even your blood flow changes — blood actually flows away from your heart and into your limbs, making it easier for you to start throwing punches, or run for your life. Your body is preparing for fight-or-flight. If you are feeling this often in a relationship, you can see how it may really cause a lot of unhappiness, trepidation, and discomfort at the very least.

Fear triggers our fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses. If someone experiences chronic fear, it could lead to problems such as:

• Immune system dysfunction.

• Endocrine system dysfunction.

• Autonomic nervous system alterations.

• Sleep cycle disruptions.

• Eating disorders.

• Mood swings.

• Anxiety.

• Obsessive compulsive thoughts.

Fear can manifest in many different ways. Often, what we fear in a relationship sense is one of the following:

• Fear of intimacy.

• Fear of commitment.

• Fear of everything going wrong in the relationship.

• Fear of your partner’s reaction to something.

• Fear of infidelity.

• Fear of abandonment.

• Fear of a partner’s (or your) emotional outbursts. 

• Fear of being overwhelmed by a partner or losing oneself in a relationship.

• Fear that the relationship isn’t perfect, doesn’t live up to your expectations, or not as impressive as other people’s relationships. 

• Bigger existential fears about the relationship or your partner (like a fear of dying alone).

When we feel these kinds of fears in relationships, we may have an instinct to protect ourselves from anything that feels scary or “off.” This does not include fear of violence; that is a serious matter that needs to be dealt with accordingly.

Why is fear harmful to relationships?

There are a few reasons why we feel fear in our relationships. It’s not uncommon to feel fear in a new or existing relationship because you felt unsafe in a past relationship. Another reason could be trauma from platonic and parental relationships from childhood causing fear in a current romantic one. Your relationships may also challenge an old identity or long-held idea about yourself, and suddenly having love in your life could make you feel like you’re losing part of your identity.

Cultural or societal pressure may also be causing some of the fear. Some cultures expect people to marry very young, and those who do not are seen as “less than.”

Some of the negative effects fear can have on relationships could be:

• Fear may limit growth in a relationship or internally. It can cause us to stay in our comfort zones and not move forward.

• A behavior of fear might be trying to limit or control a partner’s life in various ways (money, other relationships, time spent apart, etc.).

• Feeling excessively low self-worth or self-esteem.

• Incessant Insecurity. 

• The feeling of “walking on eggshells” around your partner.

• Feeling very anxious, careful or tentative around the other person.

• Excessive apologizing and diminishing oneself. 

• The need for constant reassurance and approval from a partner.

• Destructive or counterproductive conflict resolution.

So, how do we move away from fear?

Our goal is to move away from fear and towards courage and love. Some actionable tips to help us do this are:

• Do a journaling exercise to try to understand why fear is coming up in your relationships. Ask yourself the following questions and write down the answers in your journal:

  • What is it that I really want in a relationship and what would I like an ideal relationship to look like? 

  • What are my goals and what are my values when it comes to relationships? 

  • What behaviors or situations caused me to have fears in my past relationships? 

  • Do those same fears come up in this current relationship? 

  • Are my fears justified because similar situations are happening in this relationship? Or are old habits and patterns causing me to feel fear when I really shouldn’t be afraid? 

  • If your fears are not justified: Employ self soothing techniques like deep breathing, baths, massage, touch, talking with a trusted friend or even a therapist so that you can work through your fears and move past them. 

  • If your fears are justified: Write out some observations about the behaviors you see in yourself and in your partner. Use these observations to create talking points to bring to your partner during a RADAR or another neutral discussion time. Identify the behaviors and use “I feel” statements to discuss how you feel and what you fear might happen in the relationship. Finally, try to collaborate with your partner about ways that each of you change the pattern of behavior and work towards moving past these fears. 

• Try to think of overcoming fears as a team effort that both you and your partner can work on together. 

• There is always a possibility that you or your partner may not be open to change or unsure of how to even go about it. In that case it may be important to employ the help of a trusted counselor, friend or therapist for more individualized tips and tactics. 

• If those things don’t work, and you find the fear to be overwhelming or if it is plaguing you in multiple areas of your life, it is ok to break up.