Origin of love languages

The concept of five love languages originated from the book The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts by Dr. Gary Chapman, written in 1992. Chapman is a doctor of philosophy and master of religious education, and his concept of the five love languages is an excellent starting point for strengthening your relationships and learning how to relate better to your partners.

According to Chapman, the five languages are:

1. Words of affirmation. Praise, positive words, affirmation of the relationship, admiration, and more.

2. Acts of service. Taking initiative, doing chores around the house, helping your partner when they’re in need, paying bills on time, etc.

3. Receiving gifts. In addition to simply receiving a gift, something thoughtful more than valuable is generally more appreciated. Those whose love language is receiving gifts often put great stock in holidays and celebrations as well.

4. Quality time. Uninterrupted, intentional time together, as opposed to just spending time together. People who value quality time are often more affected by plan cancellations.

5. Physical touch. Not necessarily sexual in nature, physical touch can consist of cuddling, warm embraces, back rubs, public displays of affection, and more.

What’s your love language? Go to 5lovelanguages.com/profile to find out!

The inverse of love language

Depending on your love language, there are probably going to be certain acts or words that negatively affect you more than others.

1. Words of affirmation: If your love language is words of affirmation, then hearing your partner criticize you, or hearing that they don’t appreciate you can be hurtful. Even hearing “I love you,” but not in the way you want to hear it, can have a negative impact.

2. Acts of service: Going hand in hand with words of affirmation, not hearing appreciation for things that are done around the house or support you’ve given to your partner can definitely be hurtful.

3. Receiving gifts: It boils down to how thoughtful someone is being. If your love language is receiving gifts and your partner gives you something generic, like a Visa gift card, then that can be hurtful because you might feel like they didn’t put the time or effort into choosing something they thought you would like. Additionally, if you give a gift and your partner isn’t enthusiastic about receiving it, then that can cause negative feelings as well.

4. Quality time: If your love language is quality time, it makes sense that spending lots of time apart would be hurtful, but if you’re spending time with your partner and both of you just end up on your phones or talking about work, then there’s no positive quality time happening either. Doing regular check-ins or scheduling a RADAR session can help mitigate that. Additionally, cancelling plans or consistently showing up late to dates can have the same hurtful effect.

5. Physical touch: In addition to just not being able to touch your partner, having them turn down sex can also play a part in being hurtful if your love language is physical touch. That’s not to say that people shouldn’t turn down sex if they don’t want it, but generally speaking, if your love language is physical touch, it’s not necessarily going to be about the sex itself, but the meaning behind it, which is often “I want to feel close to you and feel cared for.” Similarly to receiving gifts, if your partner reacts coldly when you initiate touch, or maybe is physically affectionate in private but not in front of others, that can create negative feelings as well.

When talking about love languages with your partners, it’s important to expand on what your love languages are and delve into the nuances, since they may mean slightly different things for different people.