Welcome back, Lola!

Lola Phoenix was last on our show back in episode 225. Today, they rejoin us to discuss their new book, “The Anxious Person’s Guide to Non-Monogamy,” and answer the following questions:

• What made you want to write this book and why is it important that we have a book that is told from this perspective?

• One of the first things you discuss in this book is the idea of an “Anchor.” Can you talk about what this is and why it is so important?

• You are critical of a lot of non-monogamous communities in the book. Can you discuss your experience with some of them and why it has been challenging to find a good non-monogamous community?

• You discuss how monogamy is just as valid as non-monogamy in terms of a relationship structure. Why do you think so many people who discuss non-monogamy tend to put down monogamous relationships and why is it important that we not do that in educational spaces?

• So many books tend to tell the reader that their jealousy, their anger, or fear is, in essence, “their problem,” and that they just need to do more internal work to fix their feelings of disorientation. Why is this not helpful to those who are neurodivergent and/or anxious and what instead can people do to quiet feelings of anger, shame, and jealousy?

• Can you discuss a little bit about what the relationship check-ins from the book look like?

• At the end of the book you have a really incredible list of “Relationship Assumptions” and how they may contribute to anxiety a person might have around their non-monogamous relationship. Can we discuss some of those assumptions?

Lola also produces a weekly advice column and podcast called Non-Monogamy Help which you can find at nonmonogamyhelp.com, on Twitter @NonMonogamyHelp and on Instagram @NonMonogamyHelp. Their new book is “The Anxious Person’s Guide to Non-Monogamy,” and can be purchased online or at major bookstores.