Conflict in relationships

Nearly all relationships have conflict of some sort, but the way we engage in it can determine whether or not it’s constructive. Conflict is often associated with decreased relationship satisfaction, poorer health outcomes, and that children are negatively affected by marital conflict. Additionally, some studies have indicated that it is only damaging when characterized by negative behaviors, and that while conflict can cause decreased satisfaction short-term, it can lead to more positive outcomes further down the road. Either way, there are many different perspectives to consider and approaches to improving conflict, which we discuss in this episode, along with ways to ensure it isn’t harming your relationship.

Unhealthy conflict patterns

• Shouter vs. Silent Martyr:

  • Shouter very quickly escalates from calm to shouting, while the other partner quietly and calmly collects evidence to later use to explain how they are unfairly attacked and unjustifiably criticized. Eventually the shouter just gets tired out when it is ineffective.

• Snarky vs. Unflappable:

  • One partner does little sarcastic jabs, continuing to escalate if there is no reaction, while the other partner often seems unflappable and seemingly non-responsive to the jabs. This frustrates their partner. It often ends with no real discussion because the unflappable one doesn’t engage at all.

• Pursuer vs. Runner:

  • Pursuer will often follow the other from room to room, demanding more details, rehashing, or pushing for their view to be accepted. The “runner” may just want harmony, and so they won’t engage with any criticism or disagreement. Often ends with the runner finally getting fed up and exploding.

• Flipper vs. Self-Doubter:

  • The best defense is a good offense, so the flipper will immediately try to turn any criticism around on the other person. The other partner then switches to the defensive and is no longer able to keep their original thought or feeling alive. This often results in the self-doubter apologizing and the flipper walking away feeling justified, without acknowledging any truth in the original complaint.

• Escalating Yellers:

  • Conflicts may start out calm, but end up in a shouting match and the winner is whoever can shout the loudest, longest, or most forcefully. Neither partner ends up listening to the other and both are focused on attacking the other. This ends once both partners have exhausted themselves and retreat away from each other.

• Answer-Seeker vs. Truth-Dodger:

  • One partner starts by seeking answers to a conflict, something confusing or something that is troubling them. The other partner immediately feels stalked or like they are being interrogated and avoids, tells half-truths, or starts doing other tasks that are unrelated in order to avoid. This makes the asker even more curious and suspicious and this continues usually until the asker gives up, leaving them feeling even more suspicious and unsettled, eroding trust over time.

• Drama Queen/King vs. Scoffer:

  • One partner tends to exaggerate, often switching their own portrayal of what happened to fit the desired outcome or to combat disagreement. The other partner mocks and undermines this as a way to unmask this absurd performance. The dramatic partner often ends with extreme offense, slamming doors and making a big exit while the scoffer sits and feels victorious.

How to do better

Some suggestions from us about how to manage conflict in a healthy way:

1. Use the triforce! It may help you avoid some conflict in the first place by starting from a place of understanding.

2. Sometimes leaving a conflict conversation for another time (like a RADAR) can be more effective than just “powering through” in the moment when you’re both upset.

3. Take some time off to lower your blood pressure and when more calm, do some personal writing to figure out your thoughts.

4. After the conflict, check out our Repair SHOP framework for repairing and reconnecting, especially if this is a recurring conflict.

Another method is from a Psychology today article by Amie M. Gordon, Ph.D., called 7 ways to make conflict healthy:

1. Try seeing things from your partner’s perspective instead of just your own point of view.

2. Avoid these four things: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.

3. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt, and do not assume their intentions are malicious.

4. Reflect on your partner’s positive traits, using gratitude-inducing techniques if you would like.

5. Think of yourself and your partner as a team rather than opponents, with the goal of figuring out why you don’t agree. Avoid trying to “win the fight” and “prove your partner wrong.”

6. Remember that it won’t always be easy to follow these suggestions, especially if your partner isn’t playing by the same rules.

7. Give yourself a mantra to repeat when you start feeling angry or upset to help you remember your goal. It can be something as simple as “be understanding.”