How can we apply relationship anarchy to monogamy?

Monogamy is usually the last thing we think about when discussing relationship anarchy (RA), so how in the world can we link the two of them together? There are bound to be strong opinions on both sides for this episode, so we’re going to discuss whether or not monogamy and relationship anarchy can be practiced at the same time or if the terms contradict each other.

Relationship anarchy, which we cover more in episodes 150 and 339, values autonomy, anti-hierarchical practices, lack of state control, anti-normativity, and community interdependence. It was first introduced in 2012 by Andie Nordgren through a short instructional manifesto.

“Relationship anarchy is the idea that there is no hierarchy within a relationship dynamic. Friends, family, community, hobbies, goals, etc. are all as important as a romantic relationship, which is counter-culture to a lot of monogamous relationships that often value the romantic partnership as priority.”

The terms don’t have to contradict each other, though. We can take some of the core components of relationship anarchy and apply them to any relationship in order to improve them. A lot of these components have the added bonus of working against the normative systems and beliefs that cause so many people to be hurt, disenfranchised, or disempowered.

Is RA in monogamy possible?

On one hand, relationship anarchy is supposed to describe how you approach relationships, not specifically what they need to look like specifically.

Additionally, if relationship anarchy is meant to free people from the obligation to prioritize relationships a certain way, then by that logic, there should be room for monogamous-looking relationships as well.

Lastly, gatekeeping who can call themselves a relationship anarchist is completely antithetical to the component of inclusivity that RA philosophy usually fights for.

On the other hand, if you are in a monogamous relationship, particularly a heteronormative-looking one or a marriage, you’re receiving a lot of benefits that stem from the oppressive system RA is meant to oppose. Some may argue that you’re strengthening these normative beliefs through your relationship.

Since RA focuses on individual agency and rejects the idea that rules, whether imposed by partners, society, or the state, should govern how someone approaches relationships. In that case, if you have a rule or agreement that your relationship will be sexually exclusive, then you’re directly going against that autonomy.

Core principles of relationship anarchy

We’re going to discuss the core principles of RA and some concepts of traditional monogamy that may be worth questioning:

1. Autonomy:

   • Consider compulsory monogamy or monogamy as a default and how that contradicts autonomous ideals.

   • Assumptions of power over a partner or assumptions of duty to your partner.

   • Pressure for both partners to act a certain way (from peers, society, etc.).

   • Clash between closeness and autonomy in romantic relationships.

2. Anti-hierarchical practices:

   • Romantic relationships being placed above platonic ones in traditional monogamy.

   • Gender-based hierarchy.

   • Family vs. others.

3. Lack of state/social control:

   • Examine how enjoying the benefits of a state-sanctioned relationship might be further disempowering other people.

   • How you present your relationship to the world, i.e. what language do you use?

4. Anti-normativity:

   • Examine uneven relationship/household workloads.

   • Normative gender roles.

   • How often do people assume correctly about the nature of your romantic/sexual relationship versus otherwise?

   • Are you perpetuating normative values?

5. Community interdependence:

   • How does relationship hierarchy affect your dependence on other relationships?

Begin to evaluate and challenge some of your default ways of thinking about your relationships and notice how breaking out of those may make your world and the world at large a better place.