Stressors and pressure

Sometimes we experience issues in our relationships that don’t have anything to do with emotional, communicative, or compatibility problems. When external stressors affect our relationships, we sometimes feel as though de-escalation is imminent, if only temporarily. There are plenty of factors that might play into these decisions, like:

Time pressures

• A change in job schedule, or having a schedule of free time that doesn’t “fit nicely” with a partner’s schedule of free time. 

• Having to piece together multiple jobs or gigs in order to make ends meet. Having to favor trading one’s time for money. 

• Schedule rigidity, or difficulties in “making” time or shifting commitments around.

• A rigorous travel or commute schedule.

• A high-demand school schedule that takes up both time in classes as well as study and homework time at home.

Financial pressures

• Cost of living, student loans, medical bills, and more can create money stressors.

• Feeling mismatched with a partner regarding financial values, or experiencing the inability to afford dates/trips together.

• Sudden loss of income or reduction in income.

• Needing to support a family or chosen family, being a sole breadwinner.

• Having competing financial goals such as wanting to get out of debt, wanting to save for a house, save for a vacation, or start a business.

Other commitments and obligations

• The daily grind is different for everyone and may be more oppressive for some people – these are tasks that have to happen every day or most days, regardless of any other factor or influence.

• Examples include: washing dishes, childcare, securing meals, grocery shopping, laundry, cleaning, dealing with bills, bathing, etc.

• Caring for children or elderly parents.

•  Job stress or specialized job stress, such as serving in the military or pursuing demanding career opportunities like med school.

• Major life changes can pull focus away from the relationship for a period.

• Polysaturation.

Health or disability

• Chronic illness or disability.

• Dealing with medical issues or unpredictable flare ups often become priority number one, regardless of other commitments.

• Mental health issues, chronic or acute, can make it difficult to show up fully and consistently for a relationship.

• Medication side effects can produce sleepiness, nausea, a drop in libido, irritability, etc.

Before you take action

Before you make the decision to de-escalate a relationship temporarily to relieve pressure caused by one of these outside factors, it’s important to ask yourself a few questions.

1. Be real with yourself. Is it actually life circumstances? Or is it an excuse to pull away from the relationship?

   Imagine if your most egregious obligation or time sink suddenly disappeared. Would you be excited to reconnect to this relationship? If you imagined that you had 50% more capacity (time, energy, money) would you still be excited about this relationship?

2. Is this a temporary increase in life pressure or does this seem like it could be long-lasting or permanent?

   What counts as temporary versus permanent could be subjective. If it’s temporary, how long do you think this will last? On the short end versus long end?

3. Is this a breakup, a de-escalation, or a taking a break situation? Is the solution always to de-escalate? What even counts as a de-escalation? 

What can we do?

Remember to communicate early and often. Make a shared decision to change the status or functioning of the relationship, rather than ending it abruptly. Be intentional about a plan moving forward: what factors will you experiment with changing? When will you check in with each other? At what point would either of you be ready to try something different with the relationship or try re-escalating? If it truly is about life circumstances, offer reassurance that this is about external factors, rather than flaws in the relationship.

Specifically, for the scenarios discussed above, try:

Time pressures

• Focus on quality of time over quantity of time (i.e. time together without distractions or trying to be productive, which happens less often).

• Or go for small chunks of time (i.e. phone calls when commuting to work every day, even if you aren’t seeing each other in person as often). 

Financial pressures

• Practice getting comfortable discussing money frankly.

• Collaborate on what a reduced budget for time together would actually look like.

• Listen to MA 421 - Infla-dating episode for getting creative with low-cost time together.

Other obligations and commitments

• Experiment with intentionally setting aside time for each other, whether it’s a 5 minute phone call before bed each night or making a set date night. Sometimes adding it to a calendar instead of seeing when you can squeeze it in at the end of a busy week can help.

• Seek support from loved ones or services around you to reduce or change caregiving obligations or schedule.

• Get an outside perspective, friend or professional, to help you take inventory of all of your ongoing obligations and commitments to see if any of them can be changed, shifted, or dropped in order to free up capacity for the relationship. 

Health challenges

• Be frank about limitations and expectations (This can be hard if you don’t want there to be any limitations or reduced expectations).

• Be flexible. Adjust expectations or what’s on the plate for the day based on spoons.

• Seek community support and education, whether it’s formal support groups, online groups, or educational resources like books or podcasts (Also tailored resources directed towards partners of people with chronic illness, disabilities, mental health issues, etc.).

Above all, the main underlying of all of this is to collaborate, even if the solution is a de-escalation or a break. However, understand that the other person may not be on board with making any changes to the relationship and may not be interested in collaborating or being flexible. You also can’t convince someone they have more time or capacity than they think they do. They need to realize it on their own if it’s true. That’s all right; change is hard, and you can’t force someone to be ok with making changes. Breaking up is okay.