What is an insecurity?

An insecurity is broadly defined as “uncertainty or anxiety about oneself; lack of confidence.” For our purposes, we’re going to specify this as a personal insecurity. Everyone has personal insecurities! Some areas that are common to have personal insecurity in are things like:

• Appearance.

• Social status.

• Finances.

• Living situation.

• Job performance.

• Ability. 

• Age.

• Gender or sexuality performance. 

• Sexual performance.

If we’re not careful, sometimes these personal insecurities can drive our behavior, perhaps by:

• Withdrawing and avoiding situations that may trigger the insecurity.

• Negative self-talk.

• Overcompensation.

• Constantly seeking external validation or approval from others.

• Minimizing, dismissing, or putting down the accomplishments or appearance of others.

• At the more extreme, they can encourage self-harming behaviors.

Another kind of insecurity

There is also another definition of insecurity: “the state of being open to danger or threat; lack of protection.” This is where we might distinguish relationship insecurity from personal insecurity. Relationship insecurities manifest as a lack of confidence and fear or anxiety about the relationship, such as:

• Whether or not partner has reciprocal feelings.

• Being abandoned or rejected.

• Uncomfortable change. 

• Excessive reassurance-seeking.

• Self-silencing or self-shrinking.

• Go along to get along, or being a doormat.

It’s important to remember that lots of factors can affect our insecurities and they rarely just pop up out of nowhere. Attachment style could be a part of why we’re insecure about relationships, but they can also stem from things like:

• Prior trauma or PTSD.

• A history of broken trust or betrayal in the relationship.

• Feeling unheard or dismissed.

• Frequent conflict. 

• Being criticized by a partner or compared to someone else by a partner.

• A mismatch in life goals, desired relationship format, values, spiritual belief, political conviction, etc.

When a signal of insecurity is fired, that’s when we see attachment styles come out in full force, either by being avoidant and pushing away or anxious and clinging/grasping/shutting down. These insecurities can also drive our behavior in other undesirable ways, like:

• Desperate attempts at controlling a partner.

• Difficulty trusting a partner.

• Keeping tabs on the other person’s whereabouts and behavior.

Whose responsibility is it?

It’s easy to say that personal insecurities are the individual’s responsibility and relationship insecurities are a shared responsibility, but the reality is a little more complicated. These two things often influence each other and get tangled up with each other, even though they’re two separate and distinct issues.

For example:

• Feeling less certain about my body feeds into the anxiety that maybe my partner won’t be attracted to me any more and will leave me. 

• Experiencing conflict with my partner makes me feel like a fraud who can’t really be helping other people with their relationships

• If a partner has some particularly harmful or abusive influence, their behavior and what they say about me could lead me to believe that what they say about me is true: that I’m too needy, too emotional, broken, disappointing, etc. 

• Insecurity about the relationship can lead to behaviors such as demands, ultimatums, criticisms, or control that can push a partner away or end the relationship, thereby affirming existing personal insecurities about being unlovable or about their partner being someone who couldn’t be trusted.

It can be extremely difficult to detangle these insecurities and hard to discern how much of your partner’s insecurities are your responsibility to help alleviate.

So what can we do to make it easier?

• First, remember that insecurity is trying to point to something. Do I need to ask for something? Is this better to tell my partner or to tell my therapist? Do I need some better scripts for talking about this particular part of myself?

• Don’t rely on a metamour to solve your insecurities.

• HEARTS - if you’re non-monogamous, try using Polysecure’s HEARTS framework for giving very clear areas to look at for building and supporting relationship security (Here, Expressed Delight, Attunement, Rituals and Routine, Turning Towards After Conflict, Secure Attachment with Self).

• Do an influence detox. If you or your partner are experiencing personal insecurities, take an inventory of what factors may be influencing and fueling these insecurities. Some may be impossible to escape from.

• Change what’s changeable. This works for both personal insecurities and relationship insecurities. Make two lists of the aspects of yourself or the situation that can be changed vs those that cannot. 

• For example, let’s say you are feeling insecure about being in a room of people who are much older and more experienced than you are in a career setting. 

• Unchangeable: your age, your past experience

• Changeable: how you dress, which people you choose to talk to, deciding which connections are worth your time

• You’re struggling with anxiety and insecurity because your partner is going on a first date with someone new.

• Unchangeable: your partner being away

• Changeable: who you reach out to for support, how you self-soothe, how you and your partner communicate

• Go get a therapist, either solo or together. 

• Hold but don’t take from @lavitalocasawyers. While it is true that our partner’s insecurities are not our responsibility to fix, it is also true that they are there for a reason that isn’t neatly packaged as simply their personal problem. Acknowledging the validity of their insecurities isn’t the same as taking ownership of them and is a caring way you can hold space for their humanity.