499 - Post-Nonmonogamy: Navigating Life After Polyamory with Andrea Zanin
Welcome, Andrea!
We’re excited to welcome Andrea Zanin to the show! Andrea Zanin, MA, is a white, nonbinary, middle-aged queer whose writing focuses on queer sex, nonmonogamy and BDSM/Leather. They have written for the Globe and Mail, The Tyee, Bitch, Ms., Xtra, IN Magazine, Outlooks Magazine and the Montreal Mirror. Their scholarly work, fiction and essays appear in a variety of collections, and they are the author of Post-Nonmonogamy and Beyond and, with Eve Rickert, the co-author of More Than Two, Second Edition: Cultivating Nonmonogamous Relationships with Kindness and Integrity. Andrea blogs sporadically at sexgeek.wordpress.com, where they created the ten rules for happy nonmonogamy and coined the term “polynormativity.”
Some of the questions Andrea addresses in this episode are:
When you were in your twenties, you were a blogger primarily writing about non-monogamy and kink. Cut to today when you’re in your 40s, and you’re writing about what life is like after one has moved on from non-monogamy. If we were to invite Andrea in their 20s onto the show, what would their opinion be about “Post-nonmonogamy and Beyond?”
The most often quoted figure on non-monogamy in the US and Canada is that 4-5% of the population is currently practicing some form of non-monogamy, and that up to 20% of the population has practiced some kind of non-monogamy in their lives. You extrapolate from this that at any given time, there are about three times as many former nonmonogamists as current ones. We’ll get to your theories about pathways to post-nonmonogamy a little bit later, but someone more traditional who has never experimented with any kind of alternative relationship might jump to the conclusion - clearly this must not work very well. People try it, get burned, and retreat back to monogamy. Do you think there is any credence to that?
What are the three main pathways that you think lead people into post-nonmonogamy life
You write about the idea of "compulsory sexuality" and how it relates to the "relationship escalator." How do you think compulsory sexuality impacts people's choices around nonmonogamy specifically?
You mention that sometimes going through repeated or intensive heartbreak can create a need for rest and recovery that may take someone away from non-monogamy. How can we distinguish between needing a healthy recovery period and retreating into unhealthy isolation or closed-heartedness?
You discuss how nonmonogamous experiences can shape a person's worldview even after they stop practicing. What are some of the lasting impacts you've seen nonmonogamy have on people's lives and relationships.
The book touches on the joys of solitude and how some people find contentment in being alone. How can listeners cultivate a positive relationship with solitude, whether they’re partnered or not?
Find more from Andrea on Twitter/X @exsgeekAZ and BlueSky @andreazanin.bsky.social, or check out their blog at sexgeek.wordpress.com