The green-eyed monster

We’ve talked a lot about jealousy in the past and even touched on the difference between jealousy and envy, but we’re finally addressing envy itself and how it can show up in non-traditional relationships. Have you ever found yourself feeling inadequate compared to your metamours? Or had times when a partner’s success triggered envy for you?

A quick note on envy versus jealousy in non-monogamous relationships:

It can be helpful to think about envy as a two-person dynamic, or wanting what someone else has. For example, wishing you had the same level of intimacy your partner has with a metamour. Jealousy can be described more as a three-person dynamic, or fearing you’ll lose something you already have, like being fearful you might lose a partner to a metamour.

These emotions seem very similar, but research shows that they have different psychological roots and implications.

Envy:

• Associated with feelings of inferiority, longing, or resentment.

• Often highlights personal insecurities and dissatisfaction.

• Is more self-focused.

Jealousy:

• Stems from a perceived threat to a valued relationship.

• Is characterized by fear of loss, distrust, and anger. Typically involves insecurity, fear, anxiety, and suspicion.

• Is more relationship-focused.

Both envy and jealousy can be triggered by social comparison, but in different ways!

Common triggers for envy in relationships might look like:

• A partner's qualities or achievements, such as career success, personal growth, or new skill acquisition.

• Metamour's relationship with shared partner, like shared experiences, inside jokes, or a perceived “better” connection.

• Time allocation and attention from partners.

• Physical attributes or sexual prowess of metamours.

• Better access to resources (money, time, etc.).

Why do we feel envy?

Envy does have an evolutionary basis: it serves as a motivator for social learning and adaptation, helps us determine valuable social resources and qualities, and drives people to improve their relative social standing.

From an evolutionary perspective, envy can be both benign or malicious as well. Benign envy helps motivate self improvement, and is an adaptive response that can lead to personal growth and social advancement. Malicious envy on the other hand aims to bring others down to one’s own level, which can also be seen as a defensive strategy to protect social status.

Envy also may:

• Help individuals gauge their relative position in social hierarchies.

• Aid in determining which traits or resources are valued in any given social context.

• Play a role in mate selection and retention, such as a way to help identify and acquire desirable mates.

• Play a role in maintaining pair bonds by motivating partners to “keep up” with each other or foster healthy competition.

• Have potential downsides from an evolutionary perspective, such as leading to harmful behaviors and social isolation if felt excessively, or may result in energy wasted on unproductive comparisons or unattainable goals.

In non-monogamy, there are some unique challenges of envy, including:

• Multiple potential sources of comparison.

• Dealing with envy when you’re a hinge partner.

• Balancing compersion with envious feelings.

Practical tools for managing envy

Some basics to keep in mind:

1. Consult with a therapist if necessary!

2. Try gratitude journaling.

3. Ask yourself, “How much of this feeling is feeling like ‘it’s not fair’ or otherwise feeling as though someone has something you want, and how much is a fear that you will lose something you already have?”

4. Clarify which parts are envy and which parts are jealousy when talking to a partner about it.

In a polyamorous context, cultivating self-compassion and self-worth can make a big difference. Try things like daily affirmations focused on your good qualities and try to recognize that your worth is not determined by comparison to others.

Now, the tools!

1. The Envy Map Exercise

   • Create a visual map of your envious feelings.

   • Draw yourself in the center, then add partners and metamours.

   • Use different colored lines to represent various emotions, such as red for envy, blue for admiration, etc.

   • Add labels to describe specific envious thoughts.

   • Use this map to identify patterns and triggers in your relationships.

   2. Envy Emergency Kit

   • Create a physical or digital kit with items that ground you when envy strikes.

   • Include things like:

     • A list of your unique qualities and strengths.

     • Photos or mementos that remind you of your own relationship highlights.

     • A recorded message from your partner affirming their love for you.

     • A loved one to reach out to who can help pump you up.

   • Use this kit when you feel overwhelmed by envious thoughts!

   3. Reframe the Story

   • When envy arises, write down the current narrative you’re telling yourself.

   • When you feel envious, imagine you’re in your metamour or partner’s shoes.

   • Identify cognitive distortions in this narrative, such as all-or-nothing thinking, mind reading, etc.

   • Rewrite the story from a more balanced, realistic perspective.

   • Practice telling yourself the new version.

Remember, envy is a normal emotion that can be channeled positively! Try to view it as an opportunity for personal growth and deeper connections.