Back to basics

When you’re wanting to be non-monogamous, it’s important to establish why you want it. Is it a lifestyle that you feel suited to, or one that you believe will help you become the most realized version of yourself? What are you hoping to gain from non-monogamy that you feel you can’t get out of a monogamous configuration?

Some things to keep in mind when starting a new relationship if you want to be non-monogamous:

• Make your interest in non-monogamy clear as soon as possible, perhaps from the beginning if non-monogamy is something you’ve thought about for a long time.

• Keep up the conversation as your relationship continues to change and grow. Remind your partner periodically that this is still something you are thinking about and interested in doing eventually. Brainstorm what this might look like for each of you. 

• Encourage them to do their research and use some of the discussion prompts in the later part of this episode to discuss what opening up would mean for each of you. Don’t forget to continue your education as well. 

• Non-monogamy requires a lot of unlearning of monogamous norms. This means reframing what a “committed” relationship looks like, thinking about how things like sex fit into the broader picture of your relationships, etc. Check out Jessica Fern’s book Polysecure and also our episodes with her, 291: Attachment Theory and Polyamory and 450: Polywise, a conversation with Jessica Fern and Dave Cooley.

• Ideally, each of you will have your own personal understanding of non-monogamy before you start doing it in practice, and each of you will have your own reasons for wanting to engage in it. Try to find your “anchor” to non-monogamy or your reason for wanting it to be a part of your life. 

• Recognize that you can’t account for everything, and setbacks and challenges will happen regardless of how well prepared you are. You aren’t going to always know what is going to be a trigger until it happens. Don’t let it stop you from having fun and enjoying yourself!

During the initial opening up

Some things to keep in mind during the opening up phase and conversations to have with your partner:

• Plan out what you’re going to say! Highlight the things that really matter to you about the relationship that you are in, what it has meant to you, and the excitement you feel for the possibility of the future of the relationship.

• Express again why non-monogamy is important to you.

• Explore what agreements and boundaries will look like with this new relationship configuration. The episodes we talk about these things in are: 

• 178 The Basics of Boundaries

• 227 Rules and Agreements Ft. Boundaries 

• 423 Boundaries are all about YourSELF 

• Get ready for the possibility of some growing pains. No matter how much you and your partner have prepared for this moment, there may still be some challenging feelings that arise when it actually happens.

• Decide what this shift may mean for how you present yourself and your relationships to the world. Are you planning to be out about your non-monogamy? Would you rather only tell people who you trust and are closest to? This may be different for each of you, but given your friends and family’s open mindedness (or lack thereof) it might be something you choose to tell some people and not others.

Some troubleshooting you might have to discuss or work through in this emotionally turbulent time:

• The role of sex in a relationship. Is sex an expression of love, or just another language used to get to know another person? Is sex something that can be done with people you don’t know very well, or should it only be with someone you are comfortable sharing deep intimacy with?  

• There may be different speeds between both people. 

• Differences in time management and how much time people can and should spend with another partner. A lot of monogamous relationships have an understanding that partners will be available to each other at any time, whenever they want. There is a bit more entitlement around each other’s time. 

• Non-monogamy generally favors a more autonomous lens, where time is a person’s own to do with as they see fit. 

• Non-monogamy is going to shine a light on any type of insecurity each of you might have. You might not even be aware those insecurities are present until you are forced to deal with them because of non-monogamy.

After opening up, how do you maintain things?

Some thoughts to consider after the initial opening up:

• RADAR or regularly scheduled check-ins with partners help a lot! Also, discuss the following questions with partners:

  • What makes me feel safe in this relationship? 

  • What makes me feel unsafe in this relationship? 

• Realize the journey is potentially going to be different for each of you based on your experience levels, personal background and baggage, and many, many other factors. 

• Let yourself grieve if you need to. 

• Being a good hinge partner can be very challenging as well as emotionally exhausting. Check back in on our episode 344: What Makes a Good Hinge Partner and make sure that you give yourself some time to decompress and do some personal self care when you need it. 

• NRE can be awesome and fun and amazing. It can also wreak havoc on your existing relationships. Check out our episodes on NRE like 190: Surviving and Thriving in NRE and 320: Limerence and NRE.

• Check out various “Relationship Anarchy Smorgasbords” or “Non-Escalator Relationship Menus” to try to determine what it is that you want or don’t want in your relationships. This can be a great exercise to do with a partner at any time throughout your relationship and it can change and be amended over time as well. The Relationship Anarchy manifesto is always a fantastic read as well. 

• Find community. Community is one of the best ways to find people who understand what you are going through, where you don’t have to hide any parts of your relationship, and who can help you when the going gets tough.

• It’s ok to break up.