516 - Is Solo Polyamory Right For You?
Hello, World!
What is solo polyamory?
We last discussed different styles of polyamory in episode 322 - From the Kitchen Table to the Parallel Universe, but we didn’t talk about solo polyamory.
[Solo polyamory is] having concurrent intimate relationships while maintaining independence. For the solo poly, the end goal is not an exclusive partnership, marriage, shared finances or cohabitation.
The New York Times
Solo polyamory can take a lot of different forms. A non-exhaustive list of different ways it can look is:
Choosing to not cohabit with a romantic partner and instead live with roommates, friends, or alone.
Choosing to prioritize one’s self first, as opposed to putting the needs of a romantic partner ahead of their own.
Choosing not to share certain things like finances with a partner.
Choosing to break free of traditional relationship escalator milestones.
Choosing to prioritize the needs of a child or be a caretaker for someone during a specific period of time, instead of prioritizing romantic relationships.
Choosing to sleep alone.
Choosing to make financial decisions alone.
Choosing to travel or take vacations alone.
Choosing to not have a primary partner, and choosing to not be anyone’s primary partner.
Choosing to center one’s own autonomy and independence.
Choosing to not get married to a partner.
Choosing to be non-hierarchical with your romantic partners.
Choosing to live with a partner but maintain separate bedrooms.
Choosing to marry a partner but live apart.
Solo polyamory is very individual and distinct to the one who chooses it, similar to the Relationship Anarchy smorgasbord where one can pick and choose which aspects of being solo polyamorous feels right. What’s most important about it is communicating with partners and potential partners about what exactly it means to you; that way, potential partners know exactly what is in the cards and what they can and can’t expect out of a relationship with you.
Misunderstanding solo polyamory
There’s a lot of misinformation in media and solo polyamory is often misunderstood, both by non-monogamous and monogamous people. Some of the common criticisms that pop up about it are:
Isn’t solo polyamory essentially the same thing as dating around?
More traditionally minded people are interested in playing the field and dating multiple people, but generally are doing so in the hopes of eventually settling down and finding one person to be with. Solo polyamorists are not looking for one specific person to spend their life with, but rather will date and get into entwined relationships with multiple people.
Is solo polyamory inherently a more selfish relationship practice?
Solo polyamory allows for the option to give yourself to not just one individual or only certain types of people in your life, but offer your time and resources out in the ways that you want to.
Solo polyamorous people aren’t looking for commitment or to fall in love.
Solo poly people can absolutely have committed relationships, they might just not look the same way a traditional relationship would look. They can still fall in love and care very deeply for their partners, but their identity will remain their own, and not necessarily enmeshed with another partner. They may not want their lives to be completely “couple centric” in the ways that are the default for many partnered people.
How do you figure out if solo polyamory is right for you?
There’s a journaling exercise you can do to figure out if being solo polyamorous might be a good practice for you. Consider the following questions:
In my past relationships, what were common issues that arose around time, autonomy, and independence?
In my past relationships, did I have a tendency to acquiesce to the needs and desires of my partner? Did I put their wants and needs ahead of my own?
Do I think I’ve had a pattern of codependency in my relationships? Is that something I want to change?
Have the pressures of my last relationships made me feel claustrophobic or overwhelmed? What types of expectations from partners am I fine with and what expectations am I not?
Do I care deeply about my own autonomy and the autonomy of others?
Am I someone who values many people and things in my life in addition to or as much as my romantic relationships? Do I tend to also similarly prioritize friends, family, and my community as much as I prioritize my romantic relationships?
Do I prefer being alone, and cohabiting by myself?
Does being alone allow me to recharge and come back to my relationships as a better version of myself?
Do I currently have things in my life that are taking precedence over a romantic relationship such as work, kids, hobbies, personal development, etc?
Am I interested in living a life outside of the norm, including challenging ideas of coupledom, marriage, and children? Do these values align with my own or not?
Additionally, here are some best practices for being solo polyamorous if you do indeed decide that it’s a relationship style you want to pursue:
Make sure you are extremely up front with your partners about what it is that you are able to give from a time and relational entwinement perspective.
Be clear with a new partner about your expectations of the relationship escalator. Maybe do the relationship anarchy smorgasbord or the non-escalator relationship menu with them.
Work on creating and maintaining your specific boundaries. Check out our chapter on boundaries in our book and our episode 423: Boundaries are all about YourSelf.
Understand that there may be some challenges if you have partners who prefer hierarchy or traditional markers of relationship growth. It isn’t impossible to have loving connections with people who are more traditional, but even more communication might be necessary.
Know that you deserve to have everything you want. You can have multiple, loving relationships AND have a wonderful relationship with yourself as well.
Transcript
This document may contain small transcription errors. If you find one please let us know at info@multiamory.com and we will fix it ASAP.
Jase: On this episode of the Multiamory Podcast, we are talking about solo polyamory, what it is, the many variations and forms it can take, and why it might be a relationship style you want to consider. We're also going to dive into some criticisms of solo polyamory and address some of the implications that it might have on your romantic relationships. If you're interested in learning more about our fundamental communication tools that we reference on this show, you can check out our book, Multiamory Essential Tools for Modern Relationships. It covers some of our most used communication tools for all types of relationships. Find links to buy it at multiamory.com/book or ask about it at your local bookstore.
Emily: I've been seeing a lot of things out there recently about solo polyamory. I was a little curious to go back into the multiamory archives. The three of us are very bad--
Dedeker: Crack in the vault.
Emily: The vault, yes. The three of us are very bad about remembering the time in which we discussed a specific topic. I think sometimes, even if we've discussed it at all, it's difficult sometimes to go back and remember like, "Yes, we talked about that. It must have been three weeks ago," but it was actually 12 years ago or whatever. Not 12, but 8 or something. We've done a few episodes on this. However, one of the episodes that I was thinking about in relation to solo polyamory was our episode 322 from the kitchen table to the parallel universe.
That one was talking about the spectrum of entwinement within polyamorous relationships. There were things like high levels of entwinement, kitchen table polyamory or garden party polyamory, and then very low levels of entwinement like don't ask, don't tell. We didn't talk about solo polyamory in that one, which I found a little surprising. I wanted to discuss, what do the two of you think about in terms of level of entwinement, how entwined two people are when they are solo polyamorous? If I were solo polyamorous and we're in a relationship with Dedeker, but Dedeker maybe has a live-in partner, Jase, how entwined are all of those people, for instance, if you are solo polyamorous?
Dedeker: Again, I don't think solo polyamory falls on the spectrum of entwinement. At least not the way that I conceptualized it. Because the whole spectrum is about how entwined, how much overlap is there between all of the multiple partners involved in some non-monogamous situation. I think that you can identify as solo polyamorous. In your example, Emily, if you and I are dating, but I have a live-in partner, that could be a parallel situation. Where you don't really cross paths very much with my live-in partner and vice versa, or it could be a kitchen table situation where, yes, maybe you do come over for coffee pretty regularly.
Maybe you do live, I don't know, in the same neighborhood or stuff like that. I don't think that that would necessarily change whether or not you're practicing solo polyamory if, for you, the aim is not about trying to cohabit or trying to specifically entangle with someone or trying to become a couple with somebody. That's the way that I think about it. I think much like the whole alpha male hierarchy and how they then created sigma males that are outside of the hierarchy, I think solo polyamory is like that
Emily: It's outside.
Dedeker: To use a really terrible reference point.
Jase: That was a terrible analogy. I do think it's interesting you bring up the point that that episode was about the spectrum of entwinement between all of the different partners that are involved in a polycule. Versus I think, solo polyamory is about the spectrum of entwinement just within each particular relationship. Not so much about--
Dedeker: Like what's inside yourself. Entwinement inside you all along.
Emily: That's where my brain went. I understand what both of you are saying. I think it's just the question of people looking at the term solo polyamory and immediately thinking that that means a lack of entwinement or a very low level of entwinement. I guess from a broader perspective, that was where my head went and where this question was coming from. That if there were a scale, where would it fall?
Jase: Definitely where it seems like it would fall is on that less entwined side of the scale. Since some of the defining aspects of it, at least in my mind, are generally not cohabiting. I think that cohabiting tends to go hand-in-hand with a lot more entwinement just by necessity. That if you're living together now you're financially and more physically up in each other's business. Regardless of whether you want that or not, that's just a part of living together. Even if it's with roommates or whatever. I guess I would see it on the less entwined side for that reason if nothing else,
Emily: I think I know the answer to this for both of you.
Dedeker: Oh, the answer for both of us.
Jase: Yes, tell us.
Emily: I'm going to ask you so that the listener can hear what your answer is. Have either of you ever engaged in solo polyamory before?
Dedeker: Yes.
Emily: In an equivalent of it.
Jase: There was a period where I probably would've defined my life more like solo polyamory.
Dedeker: Yes. There was a period and it was probably when I was right smack dab in the middle of my nomading years.
Emily: Exactly.
Dedeker: I spent about five years nomading.
Emily: That's what I thought.
Dedeker: Where I would stay with certain partners, do some temporary cohabitation with partners for a few months out of the year. I remember there being a very distinct moment where I knew that I'm not trying to put myself on a track towards permanent cohabitation with anybody, and I'm not trying to put myself on a track towards shared finances or getting married.
I'm not even on a track towards wanting to move all my partners into the same house or anything like that. I think that that's probably the time when I would've been closest to how people define solo polyamory.
Emily: I find it interesting when I think back to that time in your life, Dedeker, that it parallels what I'm going through currently, which is that you ended a major relationship and you were like, "I'm going to go do something fricking radical and very cool--"
Dedeker: Those are the words that I used, I believe.
Emily: Yes. Maybe they're the words that I used to describe what you did.
Jase: I think those were Emily's words, yes.
Emily: Pretty intense and huge in my life. Therefore the person that I'm working on the most at this point in my life was self. Meaning you were working on yourself the most during that time.
Dedeker: Yes. Now you are in that phase of-
Emily: Correct.
Dedeker: -prioritizing yourself.
Emily: Yes. When I look at this I can see a lot of parts of it that make a lot of sense to me. I think it will get into this more. It's not necessarily a state that I'll be in forever. When you leave something that you are in a pattern of habitually jumping right back into a similar thing over and over again, and that is a very entwined, very intense type of relationship that causes you for better, for worse to change and often change, I think, for the worst. At least that's how I was continuing to do things in my life.
I will say when I moved to New York, I was in the midst of jumping into and re-entwining myself with somebody in a way that I had done over and over and over again throughout the course of my adult relationships. I know, Jase especially, you were like, "Maybe hold your horses. Maybe don't do that." You were right. I found that that really wasn't the thing that I should be doing. I took a step back from that relationship and I think I'm headed more in a direction of re-understanding myself in a way that maybe I haven't gotten the opportunity to in my adult life because I've been so entwined with these other people and worried about what it was that they needed from me and less about what it is that I need for myself.
Dedeker: I'm for it. I'm here for it. I'm waving the Emily solo polyamory flag.
Emily: Hell, yes.
Dedeker: What would be on that flag?
Emily: Oh gosh, it would be pink for sure.
Dedeker: A cat? It would be pink.
Emily: I love it.
Dedeker: There'd probably be a cat.
Emily: Love that.
Dedeker: Maybe like a Nintendo mushroom.
Emily: Yes, and New York City in the background or some ambiguous sitting. Yes. I love all that.
Jase: I'm picturing Emily flying through the air as well. Doing something radical. Maybe on hoverboard.
Dedeker: Blue shelling-
Emily: Oh, I love that.
Dedeker: -all your ex-partners.
Emily: Oh my gosh.
Jase: My goodness.
Emily: Wow. Somebody make this flag. Yes, hopefully, it's a cute sweet flag too. All right, so what even is solo polyamory? This has gotten so much press recently that it was even in The New York Times, and I guess that's not saying much because a lot of non-monogamy things have been in The New York Times, but there was an article in February about solo polyamory, and I liked the definition that they put in there. It was having concurrent intimate relationships while maintaining independence. For the solo poly, the end goal is not an exclusive partnership, marriage, shared finances, or cohabitation. There was a WebMD article that basically talked about--
Dedeker: Wait, what? There was a WebMD article on solo polyamory.
Emily: Yes, exactly.
Dedeker: We can self-diagnose ourselves awake at 2:00 AM in the middle of the night.
Emily: Yes. Apparently.
Dedeker: Is that what happened to you, Emily?
Emily: No, I did not. Just in looking up, if you type in solo polyamory that WebMD article is there. I didn't particularly agree with a lot of what it had to say because it was very much about like, oh, they don't have intimate relationships. The level of entwinement and level of commitment is really low or it's non-existent.
Dedeker: You should talk to a doctor.
Emily: Yes, exactly.
Jase: Talk to a doctor to see if solo polyamory is right for you.
Emily: Exactly. No, the thing at the end was telling the reader to be careful about STDs. Of course. I'm like, "Jesus Christ WebMD."
Jase: I feel like you missed the mark a little, WebMD.
Emily: Definitely, many marks.
Dedeker: To be the devil's advocate here, it is WebMD. Like, I’m not surprised they had a solo polyamory article at all, I don't blame them for them remembering, oh wait, we're a medical blog. We need to tie it back to medicine and health.
Emily: Yes, they did. I think this has been a really hot topic for content creators and as I've said, it's something that I feel very drawn to right now. Thank you for all of the content creators out there on Instagram especially who have really cool blurbs and discussions on solo polyamory. I'll reference some of them throughout this episode. Of course, we can't forget to recognize the amazing Amy Gahran who wrote Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator: Uncommon Love and Life. We've had her on the show a million years ago, episode 164. She also contributed quotes for our book and also created the Solo Poly Facebook group, and she's still a moderator on there, so you can go check that out if you want. Then also solopoly.net is the blog which doesn't really have any new content, but there's a lot of great older content on there.
When Amy Gahran was getting ready to write her book which was Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator, she put a survey on her blog and there ended up being hundreds of respondents on this survey. They were from people in a bunch of different types of non-traditional relationships. She found that about one in four do not currently have a primary style partner although they have other kinds of relationships they consider significant. Then an additional 13% currently aren't in any relationships they consider significant, although they prefer non-traditional relationship styles. I guess, yes, they're significant, whatever that means. Then people who have relationships that aren't significant and also prefer non-traditional relationships like non-monogamy. Altogether nearly 40% of respondents don't fit in this primary partner model which is really interesting.
Jase: That's fascinating to me. Now it might be a little biased because it's readers of her blog.
Emily: That is true.
Jase: That might bias this more, but still that's a significant number of people who are not in the typical, I've got a primary partner and then I have secondary partners which I think is still the most common thing that we see in the media, or at least what comes to mind when they think about polyamory in the wider world. Yes, that is interesting.
Emily: That 13% of respondents who aren't currently in any significant relationships, a minority of them, 18% of that 13%, said that finding a significant relationship is a high life priority for them. In contrast, about two-thirds said that they're fine with or without a significant relationship, or that maybe they'd like one eventually, but it's not a high priority right now. Again, that also goes against this narrative that everyone is looking for a partner, that it's the most important thing, and that you're going to die if you don't have a partner. That you're going to be a horrible, awful, sad human being if you don't have somebody to love you.
Jase: I've seen that among polyamorous people too, where there can be this thing of like, "No, but I want to have a primary partner that's that entwined," as much as they'll point to someone else and be like, "If I had that, then I'd feel good."
Dedeker: Let me just swoop in to say I think it's totally okay for people to want that.
Jase: Oh, sure.
Dedeker: Dingdong, I'm the one who wrote the, oh, but what if I want the relationship escalator episode?
Emily: You are.
Dedeker: Of course, I'm going to advocate for those people. Probably, I'm assuming what you're speaking more to, Jase, is there can still be this unquestioned assumption that that's what everybody should want or should be seeking, or that that's the only way to have a really fulfilling non-monogamous experience.
Jase: Yes, or the only way to have a secure non-monogamous experience or any number of qualifiers you might put on it.
Emily: The respondents who have at least one significant relationship, but not a primary one, she found that only about a handful, meaning about 7%, reported that a current lover is part of their household. Nearly 40% live alone and one-quarter report that they prefer living alone. Just under one-third said that they'd like to live with a lover or a partner someday, but it's not a high priority. 20% said that they're fine living either solo or with a partner. Just 3% of what she found in this survey said that they'd strongly prefer to live with a lover or a partner and that making that happen is currently a high life priority. Again, I agree with you, this is probably pretty skewed in one direction because people are literally looking up solopoly.net and going on here. It probably is more common than people realize that it is.
Dedeker: I feel it says to me, even if we're assuming that this is a sample that's biased towards people who already identify as solo polyamory or already practicing in that way, but it shows that the people who are solo polyamorous are not that way just as a product of circumstances necessarily because there can be that assumption too of-
Emily: For sure.
Dedeker: -this is a little bit of an afterthought that you've ended up here. It's just because you're too busy to date or you haven't had success in dating or things like that where this seems to imply that like, no, this ties into a particular value and priority system for these people. It's maybe not necessarily just, oh, I would love this particular thing, but it's not working out right now and therefore I'm attaching this label to it.
Emily: Yes. I think we've talked about this a lot on the show, but there are statistics that show that women who are not living with a spouse are actually much happier than those who live with a spouse.
Dedeker: I'm not surprised.
Emily: Yes. No, I'm not either.
Dedeker: I'm not surprised. Sorry, I'm not subtweeting you, Jase. You are a wonderful living partner. You're the best living partner I've ever had in my entire life. That's why I'm living with you. Of course, I've spent a lot of time thinking about past experiences living with partners and also past experiences living alone and really enjoying it quite a lot.
Emily: Yes. I do think that those past experiences that I've had, and not that the last person I lived with, the living situation itself wasn't terrible. I think it was all the other baggage that came with the implications of living with a person that there's a huge amount of baggage that comes with that. Also, I think just a lot of pressure on the relationship and then the lack of novelty, et cetera, et cetera. I love my space by myself right now so much. If I were to give that up again, it would have to be in a very specific, very intentional situation. I'm not going to do that for just anyone anymore. My last partner was like, "We should move in together." I absolutely realized over a period of time, no, that's not what I want to do. I'm really glad that I didn't do that and jump right into that again.
Jase: I think you really hit at some of the heart of this that one, it's not just something of circumstance, but actually has to do with the values and what somebody wants. Also, this isn't necessarily an identity that someone has to have all of the time. I don't think that's really true with a lot of the ways that we do our relationships or conduct our friendships even, as might change over time, but that they don't have to, it's a step on the way to something else. It could actually be where you end up after being somewhere else.
I think the key part of the solo polyamory ideal is that however you've ended up here, that it's intentional, that you're actually giving thought to it and focusing on what does that look like? Why am I doing this? What are my priorities and how do I want to connect to other people? Emily, you put together here this non-exhaustive list of different forms that solo polyamory can take. Some examples are choosing not to cohabit with a romantic partner, but instead to have other roommates or just live alone, or just prioritizing oneself first, especially if you're someone who tends to over-give of yourself and not leave enough left for yourself to stay healthy and for your own well-being or maybe not wanting to share certain things like finances with a partner. Maybe that's something you realized the benefits of that are not worth the trade-offs, not worth the costs of that.
Emily: It could involve something like just choosing to sleep alone. I feel like that's increasingly something that I've been hearing from people, especially as all my friends get older and they start to realize that the conditions they need for sleeping are becoming more and more and more intense, I guess I'll say, and complicated and Rube Goldberg-esque. I can totally start to relate to this because I'm getting to that age where I'm just like, if it's not the right pillow and the right temperature and the right ambient noise and the right weight of blanket, it's just not going to happen.
For some people, stepping into this solo polyamory spectrum could involve that, of choosing to sleep alone, not always defaulting to sleeping with a partner or staying over at a partner's place. Similarly, it could be maybe choosing to live with a partner, but maintaining separate bedrooms. There could be this, I suppose, also this deconstruction of even if you do decide to cohabit with a partner, that it doesn't necessarily bring along with it all the things we associate with cohabiting. Like presenting as a couple all the time or entangling your finances or only having one bedroom and not having any independent areas in the house and things like that.
Jase: This can also just have to do with your identity in general, even if you're not living together, of just wanting to be sure that your primary identity is as me, the person, and not just as me, the part of this couple, which I think traditionally, at least, that's usually what happens. Is that we just become this part-
Dedeker: A unit.
Jase: -of a couple and that's our public identity. That's what people know us as, except for maybe our oldest friends or something like that.
Dedeker: In terms of being solo polyamorous, it can come in seasons in your life. If you, for example, are choosing to prioritize the needs of a child or if you have a loved one who is ill and you need to prioritize that, those things might take precedent over a romantic partnership, for instance. It makes more sense for a time in your life to be solo polyamorous or to put your relationships on the back burner while you deal with the thing that is the most important to you at that point in your life, including yourself. I just appreciate the fact that it can ebb and flow and that our identities are not static. Some identities might be, but I think identities like this can continue for the majority of your life or they can change over the course of your life.
Jase: With all this, it's also important to point out that I think the big thing that that WebMD article was missing, and I think the big thing missing from a lot of--
Emily: With home remedies.
Jase: Yes. A lot of the things missing from articles about solo polyamory, from people writing about it from the outside or just what they think it probably is without knowing as much about it. The big piece that's usually missing is the intentionality of it. The point of it is that it is an intentional choice that's made for your health and well-being. Also, that part of that means communicating this as clearly as possible to the people that you do date and to the friends and people in your life that matter, that you're being really upfront and honest about that instead of doing the default, which is everyone's going to assume, "Oh, you want this normal track of how our relationship's going to go," but instead it's being upfront about what it is that you're looking for, what it is that you want. I think that intentionality is the big piece that's missing from those outside sources.
Dedeker: Absolutely. I love this quote from @queersextherapy. They said, "For me, this relationship orientation is about massaging the balance between quality relationship time and quality me time. I require a lot of time and my own space to recharge without any pressure to immediately meet anyone's needs. Solo polyam seems to be the best fit for me, at least for now. Who knows how my relationship wants and needs will continue to evolve?" Love that.
Emily: Something that we've danced around so far in this episode has been the really common misunderstandings of solo polyamory, even coming from people within the non-monogamous community. We want to take a moment to talk about some of the common misconceptions and also common criticisms of solo polyamory. I think the number one that I see is people being like, wait, but isn't this essentially the same thing as just dating around, not getting too committed to anybody? Isn't this the same thing as being single? To be fair, for a lot of people, not seeking couplehood and yet also being in relationship and having multiple partners, the closest proxy is the whole playing the field thing, the very traditional dating multiple people, just trying people on, but not settling down yet but it's still with the general hopes of eventually settling down.
I do think that's one of the big distinguishing factors is that someone who's intentionally being solo polyamorous is not looking for one specific person to couple up with and spend their life with or get entwined with but it doesn't necessarily mean that they're also just trying to, I don't know, sow their wild oats and keep everybody at arm's length.
Dedeker: That distinction, I think, is one to address the fact but in a lot of monogamous relationships or somebody who is more monogamous leaning, you're not going to necessarily tell that you're dating a bunch of people at once. You're just going to leave those relationships not knowing you are potentially dating other people as well. Solo polyamory, because it's polyamory, everyone's going to ideally know that that is something that's going on. Multiple people are being dated.
Jase: Another one here, is solo polyamory just a more selfish way to do relationships?
Emily: Interesting. I haven't heard that one.
Jase: Really? Wait, are you joking?
Dedeker: Oh, I thought you were joking.
Emily: No. Well, I think I've mostly heard just isn't non-monogamy in general just such a selfish way to do relationships.
Jase: Yes, that too.
Emily: Maybe I just tune it out because I assume it's all the same criticism.
Jase: Sure. I think a lot of it is, but we live in this weird world where anytime you try to emphasize, like, "Oh, I'm doing this for myself." There can be this reaction to go, "Oh, well, that's selfish then." It's like, well, I guess in a way it is motivated by wanting to care for myself so you could say that's selfish but I think usually when we say the word selfish, we mean it of like, I'm prioritizing myself at the expense of others. That's what selfish is. I think some people can hear all the people shouting like, "Hey, it's really important to take care of yourself and prioritize yourself and have boundaries and all this."
They read that as like, "Oh, I should be more selfish, meaning at the expense of others or not really caring about the needs of others and just focusing on what I want." That's definitely not what's going on here in solo polyamory. I think if you were trying to do that, you would do what Emily was saying, where you just don't communicate a lot. You just focus on getting what you want and then not let anybody pin you down or whatever. Instead, solo polyamory is trying to take care of yourself, but also being conscious of communicating that to other people and having interdependence with other people and supporting the people in your life, but not just seeking it in that same normal way of wanting to get entwined with a romantic partner.
There's a nice quote that illustrates this. This is by Laura Grant on the Solo Podcast. "Some ways that people do interdependence is expressed through polyamory, that can also be expressed through other ways. It's easy to dismiss solo polyamory as being selfish and individualistic. I don't know about you. I spent most of my 2021 helping my brother. I help my friends all the time. I'm the president of my HOA board. I do a lot of things in my life for individuals and communities I care about. Don't look at this as a trivial way to lead a selfish life. It can be the cornerstone of a well-connected, interdependent life that enriches everybody you're involved with and who's involved with you."
Dedeker: I've heard people say also that you get more time to recharge and therefore you have more ability to go out and do things that matter to the community at large and that matter to you because you have the bandwidth to actually take on those things more than-
Jase: Makes sense.
Dedeker: -if you were just always around somebody and had to deal with the little intensities that come up by just cohabiting with someone, for example.
Jase: Even thinking about the typical way of getting really entwined with one person. It's like all of my energy to help and give love goes to that person and nobody else.
Dedeker: Exactly.
Jase: Maybe that's actually the more selfish way to go about it. I don't know.
Dedeker: I think a lot of people out there would say things like, "Oh, well, it's selfish to not have kids." Maybe they would say that solo polyamory is selfish as well, just because it's not, I guess, contributing in that way. You're not getting married and therefore contributing to society in that way or having children and contributing to society in that way necessarily. Those don't tend to be non-monogamous people, just much more normative people, I think, in general.
Jase: Right. Although you can be solo poly and have a kid.
Dedeker: That is true.
Jase: Just like you can be single and have a kid.
Dedeker: You can do a lot of things.
Jase: It's not necessarily that those go together.
Dedeker: Indeed. Another one is that solo polyamorous people aren't looking for a commitment or to fall in love? The reality is solo polyamorous people absolutely can have really committed relationships. They might just not look exactly the same way that traditional relationships look. They can definitely still fall in love, they can care very deeply for their partners.
There is this sense that their identity will remain their own and not necessarily becoming that unit that you were talking about, Jase, that we describe ourselves as an us, and our friends know us as Jason Dedeker or whomever. I just have you guys in front of me.
Jase: It's fair. It does happen.
Emily: Yes, absolutely. That you become just this twosome, and so the individual part of you is no longer a thing anymore. I think they might not want to be couple-centric in the ways that are the default for many partnered people, but they still can have super duper committed loving, caring, meaningful relationships with people.
Dedeker: On the flip side of people sometimes collapsing solo polyamory into singlehood or dating around, sometimes, I think even people within the non-monogamous/non-normative relationship space can collapse it in the other direction and collapse it into relationship anarchy. Relationship anarchy definitely intersects with solo polyamory in a variety of ways.
You don't necessarily have to practice one in order to also claim the other one and vice versa. I still can believe that you can conceivably be a relationship anarchist and still choose to be in a monogamous sexual and romantic relationship. That's a conversation and a debate for another time. Of course, there's many solo polyamorous who might consider themselves relationship anarchists.
Maybe because of the lack of hierarchy and how they decide to organize their relationships but they're not necessarily one and the same. We recommend that if this is a topic that interests you, of course, go check the Relationship Anarchy Manifesto. You can check out our episodes on it. You can go all the way back to 150, where we first covered it.
You can go check out a more recent episode 339, called The Smorgasbord of Relationships, and also 398, which is more specifically about monogamy and relationship anarchy.
Emily: I found a post by @love_vastly on Instagram. They discussed this concept called relationship libertarianism. Dedeker has referenced emotional libertarianism on the show and just in general. It's kind of the same thing. It's this belief that people should just be 100% free to do whatever they want. If it doesn't feel good to their partners, too bad, whatever.
You're free to leave, but I'm going to basically do whatever it is that I want.
I think that some people might conflate solo polyamory with this, but it's not the same thing. Those who are solo polyamorous are people who really do care deeply about their partnerships and want to make sure that they are still committed, they are still loved, they still feel good and feel taken care of within the relationship. Again, it's just not doing some of those things that we think relationships mean in terms of enmeshing in very specific ways.
Jase: If I could give a hot take, I would say, one part of this that is true is you are free to leave, and I would recommend you do that if you're dating someone who identifies as a relationship libertarian or an emotional libertarian.
Dedeker: Okay, hold on. I don't think anyone identifies as a relationship libertarian.
Jase: You don't think so?
Emily: Some people identify as libertarians in general, so maybe there's some other people.
Dedeker: Yes, no. I believe in the existence of libertarians, unfortunately . I do agree that libertarians exist, political libertarians exist. My take on this, since we're piling on the hot takes now.
Jase: Sure.
Emily: Please by all means.
Dedeker: Is I see this behavior that gets labeled as relationship libertarianism or emotional libertarianism when people do what I call solo poly or relationship anarchy as a defense mechanism? Now let me clarify what I mean by that. Is that I do think certain people, especially if they are freshly out of maybe a very controlling monogamous relationship or if they really felt like their autonomy and their freedom was under attack, maybe that's happened in a string of relationships. Then they swing super, super, super hard the other way into this behavior of, "No, I'm not responsible for anybody. I'm not going to take care of anybody's feelings. I should get to do exactly what I want." Again, if someone doesn't like it, then they can leave.
I suppose people have a right to do that if they really want to do that, provided they communicate that very explicitly upfront. I've also met a lot of people who've been hurt by that because often this is not necessarily communicated explicitly upfront. Sometimes it is hidden behind, " I'm solo poly now. I'm a relationship anarchist now, and therefore that means I do not give a shit about your feelings."
Jase: Yes, I've definitely seen this one thrown at relationship anarchy. I feel like more than I've seen it thrown at solo polyamory.
Dedeker: For sure. Me too.
Jase: I agree. It is very much the assumption that, "Oh, you must mean that." Some people using it as a cover for actually being selfish, like we talked about earlier.
Dedeker: Again, especially someone who's coming from that pain. I do think about you, Emily, getting out of a relationship that felt very controlling to you and trying to come back to your sense of self. For you, that's been absolutely crucial, right?
Emily: Yes.
Dedeker: To re-establish your sense of self and re-establish prioritizing your own desires. It's like, I never want to discourage somebody from doing that. I do feel like there is-- If you're going to continue to date people and open your heart to people and have people open their hearts to you, there needs to be more compassion around it. I think it's the compassion and the care that distinguishes it from this relationship libertarianism.
Emily: That's a specific trajectory of this, or I guess a specific side of that is not necessarily what the person who was writing about this came from because they were talking about the fact that they see a lot of privileged people getting into this pattern of wanting to do things from this more, "I don't really care what it is that you think, and I'm going to do whatever I want." It tends to be very privileged people.
People who are generally like white cis-head males, for instance, who just are like, "Okay, I am not really going to care about my partner because I deserve to have whatever it is that I want. My partner is needy, for instance, if they are asking specific things from me. I am not needy. I don't need anything from them. If they ask things from me, then that's not okay, kind of thing."
I like the lens that you were putting on it, Dedeker, and I'm sure that that's absolutely the case, so that can be true. There's probably this more insidious side of it with people who just want to slap a label on something and say, "Yes, I'm relationship anarchist, or I am solo polyamory, and therefore, I don't have to worry about anyone's feelings." Bottom line, don't do this. Don't do these things.
Jase: Sure.
Emily: Do not. Be kind to your partners, be loving, be giving, regardless of what you've been through. If you need to take time for yourself to just be solo period, to not date anyone, and to heal in that way, I would say do that rather than do this, for sure, every single time. I feel like I'm in a situation where I can have relationships that are a little bit less enmeshed. Meaning that I get to live alone and that maybe I take a very specific time for myself, but I still really care about my partner, and I really want to do right by them and make sure that the two of us are happy within the configuration that works best for us.
Jase: To finish out this episode, we're going to get into some things that you can do to explore if solo polyamory, or maybe some aspects of it, might be right for you, as well as if you decide that, how can you go about it in the best way possible?
Dedeker: It's time to figure out, how do you decide if solo polyamory is right for you? I would say, don't ask your doctor. Actually.
Emily: Don't consult WebMD.
Dedeker: Don't go to WebMD.
Emily: No need for that.
Dedeker: I'm sure there are some of you who are listeners to our show who are both doctors and solo poly folks. We love you. We're so glad that you exist. Not to throw you under the bus, but I'm just saying your doctor probably doesn't know much about solo polyamory, most likely.
Jase: Most likely.
Dedeker: How do you figure it out? Of course, we always recommend that you whip out your multiamory journal and start to do a little bit of exploratory writing. You can ask yourself questions like, "In my past relationships, what were common issues that arose around time, autonomy, and independence? Was this ever a source of conflict between myself and a partner?
In my past relationships, did I have a tendency to acquiesce to the needs and desires of my partner? Did I put their wants and needs ahead of my own? Do I think that I've had a pattern of codependency in my relationships? Is that something that I want to change? Have the pressures of my past relationships made me feel claustrophobic or overwhelmed?
What types of expectations from partners am I fine with and what expectations am I not okay with? What does autonomy mean to me? How do I know when I have autonomy? What does the autonomy of other people that I relate to mean to me? How do I know when they have autonomy?"
Jase: Take a pause, refresh the ink in your pen, and now we'll continue writing in our journal.
Dedeker: Dip your quill pen back in the ink pot, or maybe run your writing brush across the inkstone once again.
Jase: Yes, I love that. Am I someone who values many things in people in my life, in addition to or as much as my romantic relationships? Do I tend to also similarly prioritize friends, family, and my community as much as I prioritize my romantic relationships? Do I prefer being alone and living by myself? Does being alone allow me to recharge and come back to my relationships as a better version of myself? Do I currently have things in my life that are taking precedence over a romantic relationship, such as work, kids, hobbies, personal development? Am I interested in living a life outside of the norm, including challenging the ideas of coupledom, marriage, and children?
Do these values align with my own or not? The idea with all of these is you're exploring and getting a sense of how much of you does feel drawn to these ideas of solo polyamory and how much doesn't? Maybe more importantly, which aspects are the ones that ring true for me, because it's not a, you have to take everything or nothing. Just doing this can give you some guidance on how you actually want to conduct your relationships, how you want to build your relationships, and also how you want to maintain your relationship with yourself.
Just starting to ask some of these questions about where do my values lie and what have I noticed? What have I been able to observe about myself and my past experiences can already get you a huge amount of the way toward understanding how you want to conduct your relationships with the most integrity and also the most well-being so you can bring your best self to all the relationships in your life, not just the romantic ones.
Emily: Just wanted to leave you all with some best practices as a solo polyamorous person. If from that writing exercise you realize, yes, this is a good thing for me and my life. This is something that I really want to explore and want to do. Maybe like me, you just got out of a really major relationship and your life is changing in a lot of ways, and you decide this is how you want to move forward with that. I think communication is always key, so make sure you're really upfront with your partners or with a potential partner about what it is that you're able to give from a time perspective, from a relational entwinement perspective.
Be clear with a new partner about your expectations of the relationship escalator. Maybe do the relationship anarchy smorgasbord with them, or the non-escalator relationship menu. We can link those things in the show notes or again, you can go back and check out our episode on the relationship anarchy smorgasbord. Work on creating and maintaining your own specific boundaries. That is going to be something for you to uphold and maintain, and you can check out our chapter on boundaries in our book and/or episode 423, boundaries are all about yourself.
I think that's super important because if you're somebody like me, your boundaries are sometimes porous and wishy-washy and not great, and that is something that I know personally I need to get better about. It's really helpful to be able to write down your boundaries, go through the yourself exercise, continue to evolve those boundaries and change them if they need to be changed over time, and do a good job setting them and maintaining them if you can. Especially with something like this, if this is a value that you have, it's something that you're going to want to continue to maintain over time because I am constantly butting up against like, "Should I be more entwined? Should I just move in with a partner again? Would it be easier?" If that's not best for you at this point in your life, then maintain those boundaries.
Dedeker: Yes, but I feel like you've been having so many success stories recently of maintaining boundaries around what you actually want in this chapter of your life.
Emily: Yes, I agree. Thank you. I think that's a big difference between where I was a year ago. It's shocking.
Dedeker: I feel it's important to underline the fact that being solo polyamorous within our current social context is not easy. There's a lot of forces that not only push us towards one very particular type of relationship. There's a lot of social forces pushing us towards married monogamy for the purpose of procreating, and of course, a lot of people fall outside of that but again, even if you're comfortable coloring outside the lines, those forces are still there pushing us towards-- Still, it's going to be more stable and secure if you live with someone, if you entwine with someone in this way, if you identify as a couple in this particular way.
If that's not something that you want at this particular time, I guess it's the thing where we just always want to remind people that yes, there's going to be challenges. You're probably going to bump up against maybe some resistance, a lack of understanding, people being confused, maybe even people being hurt. Sometimes people can take it personally if you don't want to live with them, or you're not ready to live with them, or you don't want to entwine with them in a particular way. I think we just want to be at least one more source reminding you that it is not impossible to have loving, caring, secure connections with people, even if you still want to maintain your independence, your autonomy, and to prioritize a wonderful relationship with yourself.
Emily: We hope that this was a nice deep dive into solo polyamory and that you learned something today. I'm glad that we finally did an episode on this that was just about all things solo polyamory. We could call it solo polyamory 101 or something because it was, but if like me, this is something that you're interested in, we would love to hear about it. Our question of the week, which is going to be on our Instagram stories is, Have you ever been stigmatized for being solo polyamorous? How have you dealt with those stigmas? Really interested to hear what you all have to say about that.