517 - Breaking the Approval Cycle
Seeking Approval: Yea or Nay?
To understand approval-seeking, we have to differentiate it from people-pleasing.
Approval-seeking can be defined as a broad term focused on the desire for validation and positive reinforcement from others. It's about seeking acceptance and avoiding disapproval. This can manifest in various ways, like constantly seeking compliments, changing opinions to match others', or avoiding conflict to maintain approval.
Alternatively, people-pleasing is more specific and action-oriented. It involves actively going out of your way to please others, often at the expense of your own needs and wants. This can include things like saying "yes" to everything, taking on too much responsibility, or constantly apologizing.
Sometimes we can become addicted to seeking approval, which often comes hand in hand with things like:
Overly sensitive to criticism: Not just disliking it, but feeling devastated and taking it as a personal attack, even if it's constructive.
Second-guessing yourself: Constantly doubting your own judgment and needing others to validate your decisions, even for small things.
Avoiding conflict at all costs: Staying silent even when you disagree or feel uncomfortable because you fear disapproval or confrontation.
People-pleasing behaviors becoming compulsive: Feeling a strong urge to seek approval even when you know it's not healthy (like checking social media responses).
These behaviors can have a negative effect on our relationships when they get out of hand, like:
Codependency: Developing unhealthy, one-sided relationships where your self-worth is tied to the other person's approval.
Difficulty setting boundaries: Struggling to communicate your needs and limits, leading to feeling overwhelmed and resentful.
Low self-esteem: Needing a constant hit of approval and feeling the lack of it.
Increased risk of burnout: Constantly putting others' needs first can lead to emotional exhaustion and physical health problems.
Difficulty experiencing genuine intimacy: True intimacy requires vulnerability and authenticity, which can be challenging for approval seekers who fear judgment.
Is approval-seeking always bad?
Of course, seeking approval isn’t always a bad thing. If we lived in a world where we had a complete lack of approval-seeking behaviors, social groups would fall apart, since social creatures such as us depend on seeking approval from our peers in order to survive and know how to fit in with our tribe or group.
The benefits of moderate approval-seeking aren’t to be discarded either. Seeking a measured amount of approval can:
Foster connection and empathy and encourages open sharing.
Encourage positive behavior and motivate self-improvement.
Enhance communication by prompting honest dialogue.
Build trust/security by offering reassurance and affirming commitment.
Promote mutual respect by showing consideration for a partner's feelings.
Facilitates personal growth and encourages self-reflection.
We also have to consider cultural influences and differences. In Western culture, particularly American, individualism is highly regarded, whereas there are other more collectivistic cultures (like Japan) where different rates of approval-seeking might be more or less acceptable than in different countries. There’s also the (generally bad) trend on social media that amplifies approval-seeking, and other corners of the internet that seem to idolize a total disregard for others/lack of compassion, which also isn’t great for individuals or society.
Balance is important, though! Remember that moderate approval-seeking can be beneficial, but sometimes in our larger, more modern societies, we sometimes have too many sources of it. Being aware of the possible detriments of chronic or excessive approval-seeking can be helpful as well when trying to moderate it. Some of us may have higher needs for internal self-worth and external validation, and things like medication and therapy can help with these if they’re at a level that is damaging your relationships.
Actionable ways to break the approval cycle
When researching, the most common themes that increased approval-seeking behaviors were time spent on social media, self-esteem levels, and anxiety. Some ways to make improvements in those areas could look like:
Try a “No Apology Day” and see if you can go an entire day without unnecessary apologies.
Have a social media vacation, completely disconnecting from social media for at least one day (or a whole weekend!). This means no checking notifications at all! See how you feel at the beginning, middle, and end of the experience.
Practice appreciating yourself, or using affirmations. This can be out loud or in a journal, but try appreciating yourself for WHO you are, not what you do for others.
There are also some deeper ways you can explore this tendency to seek approval in yourself:
Getting enough sleep and exercise.
Strength training in particular has a lot of benefits for physical and mental health.
Professional help.
Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) or other therapy can help reframe negative thought patterns.
Somatic therapy can help you work through trauma or fears that aren’t as easy to talk through.
Medication, like antidepressants or anti-anxiety medication, can also be a game changer if you’ve tried other things and they aren’t working for you.
Gradual implementation.
Remember that change takes consistent effort and TIME.
Celebrate your small victories.
Take just one step at a time. Sometimes just knowing is enough to start changing.