518 - Talking to Kids about Non-Monogamy (with Evolving Love)
Welcome, Abbey and Liam!
Today we’re joined by Abbey and Liam from the Evolving Love Project for their valuable perspective on some listener questions, particularly the ones asking about parenthood.
Abbey and Liam have been together for over twelve years and non-monogamous for over a decade. Together they started the Evolving Love Project which hosts monthly conversation nights for non-monogamous or curious folk in Canberra and Sydney, Australia and co-host the acclaimed podcast Evolving Love. Abbey also publishes weekly on Substack with her musings on non-monogamy, parenthood & sexuality. They believe that by removing the stigma from these topics, collectively we can push the culture in a positive, caring and more loving direction.
The questions from our listeners we’ll be discussing are:
“I am about a year into polyamory. I would love to find a local group of people to share resources and experiences (Yes, I did check the Patreon group! Sadly no one lives near me.) What are some good ways to go about this in terms of getting the word out, organizing the meetings, and keeping the meetings as safe as possible?
Building the Plane While Flying”
"What experiences or stories can y'all draw from where people were able to create polyamorous community where there wasn't a pre-existing community? What approaches seem to work best in informal social settings for bringing up the topic, gauging and creating interest in more freely loving ways of being, and more closely knit, collaborative lifestyles?
Bonus points if there are examples of how this has worked for people living in more sparsely populated areas, and areas with a conservative lean where caution is a necessity to avoid communal backlash or alienation.
Poly Community Cultivator”“After being monogamous for seven years, my partner and I decided to open our relationship. We discussed the possibility at the beginning of our relationship, but decided to revisit it in the future.
Fast forward seven years, I met someone and there was a definite spark. I discussed it with my partner before anything took place, and while they were nervous, they were not fully opposed. We talked for months, set parameters, and I was told to go for it. I've been incredibly happy in both relationships for just shy of a year.
My original partner and I agreed they are able to date others as well, but they have no desire to do so. They're not giving me any grief, but they're not the same person anymore. That spark is gone, and there always seems to be an underlying sadness, not just with me, but in her relationships with friends and family too. She also has generalized anxiety disorder, which was largely under control, but now, not as much.
I've discussed this with her and she insists it's fine. They're happy to see me so happy. But there is no denying, this is hurting her.
Some of my poly friends insist the best thing to do is end the relationship, stating mono/poly never works. My non-poly friends insist I need to break things off with my new partner if I truly love my original partner. My original partner is not asking for me to end my new relationship at all. I just hate seeing the change in her.
Can you offer any advice? Can this work or am I just living in constant guilt, even though my original partner is telling me that I have nothing to feel guilty about?
Naive in NY”“I live with my nesting partner, and my other partner (of approx 7 months) lives around a 45 minute drive away. I already drive a lot for work, my schedule is in general pretty full and so I usually see my non-NP once a week-ish. Whenever something major pops up (trips, work related things), this can be even less and I'm STRUGGLING with missing him. The NRE is still really strong, and I just want to be around him a lot more than I currently am. At the same time, I know both of our schedules don't really allow more than what we're getting now, so the issue becomes more - How do I deal with missing him? I love that I miss him, and I love that I'm so excited to see him, but it can also make me sad, preoccupied etc. when I let myself ruminate on the fact. I'm already "distracted" enough by work and hobbies, so that's also not really something I feel I can use to help me move my thoughts away from him(/us).
Yearning in Europe”