519 - Competing for Attention: Why Your Partner's Distraction Hurts
Attentiveness in relationships
It’s normal to want attention, especially from partners and people who love you. Attention acts as a resource in relationships, and sometimes when we have a deficit of it, it doesn’t feel good. It can be hard if your partner is distracted by their phone, other partners, other priorities, etc., but never fear! We have some tips on how to be more mindful and intentional about attention in your relationships.
What does attentiveness in relationships even look like? Lots of ways! It can look like:
A partner taking your bids
Responsiveness, like responding to your conversation, requests, texts etc. within a reasonable time frame.
Remember that “reasonable” can be subjective and is up to the people in the relationship to negotiate.
Cues that a partner is listening to you.
Classically this is eye contact, though that may not be the case for everyone.
This can also look different depending on your macro culture.
Remembering important details, such as:
What your partner has going on that day or week.
What they are excited about or hopeful for.
What they are stressing about.
Thoughtfulness/mindfulness/consideration:
Anticipation of the other’s feelings and needs (within reasonable parameters).
Awareness of and communication around the impact your actions might have on the other person.
The ability to communicate clearly when attention isn’t immediately available.
Conversely, what does inattentiveness look like? It can show up in a variety of ways, just like attentiveness. A few include:
Distraction:
Getting sucked in by phone or other media when other person is trying to talk to you.
Forgetting or disregarding important events, plans, dates.
Being neglectful of a partner’s emotional needs, such as:
Avoiding intimate conversations, positive or negative.
Consistent pattern of withholding emotional support.
Consistent pattern of prioritizing other plans, events, or people over the relationship.
Poor communication and meta-communication, like:
Lack of responsiveness to calls or texts without explanation.
Keeping partner “in the dark.”
Lack of curiosity about other person and lack of effort to remember important details.
Why is this tricky?
This concept can be tricky because we all have moments of inattentiveness in our relationships. Everyone has multiple priorities in life, and no one is able to put their partner first in all situations (nor should they). Particularly in non-monogamy though, this gets very murky and difficult to deal with when multiple people are prioritized. Some of us might feel more upset if a partner’s attention is on another partner versus a platonic friend or work acquaintance.
The research on this topic suggests a few things:
You feel more love and positivity towards your partner when you’re actually paying attention to them.
The longer you’re with someone, the easier it is to ignore them.
Phubbing (phone snubbing, or ignoring a partner in favor of your phone) doesn’t directly cause lower relationship satisfaction, but it can cause more conflict, which in turn can lower relationship satisfaction.
Perceived partner responsiveness increases trust between romantic partners. This trust leads to higher commitment to the relationship. Committed partners, in turn, display more responsive behaviors, creating a "mutual cyclical growth" process.
The actionable steps
So what kinds of things can we do to combat these issues around attentiveness and distraction? Here are some tips:
Meta-communicate! Communicate expectations around communication and responsiveness in different scenarios, such as:
At work?
When I’m with my friends or family?
When I’m on a first date?
When I’m with another partner?
Communicate expectations around phone usage. This is a negotiation in every relationship, and something that two people need to figure out and experiment with over time. Avoid casting your communication preferences as correct and the other person’s as incorrect.
It is worth it to take the bid!
If the person sends you a song/article/YouTube video/meme - engage with it and respond.
Go out of your way to communicate your attention. This may depend on the scenario, but it could involve physically putting your phone away, angling your body towards the other person.
Create rituals of connection, big or small. Some examples are:
Always texting goodnight/good morning.
Regular date time, etc.
In addition to regular thorough check-ins/RADARS, more frequent small check ins or temperature checks can be helpful too. Some possible topics could be:
What’s on your plate today?
How are you feeling about this week?
Is there any way I can make your life easier this week?
If you’re a hinge, work on developing good hinge skills.
Remember, not everyone needs to feel like #1 all of the time. But we all want to feel like we’re #1 at least some of the time.