520 - Do You Treat Your Partner Worse Than You Treat Your Friends?
Assuming good intent—with everyone
Assuming good intent is something we talk about a lot, but sometimes it’s hard to uphold in practice, especially with romantic partners. There’s a lot of evidence that suggests that sometimes we treat our friends better than our partners, don’t take it as personally when they flake on plans or cancel a get together, but why do we do this?
While romantic relationships are wonderful, they can also add a significant amount of conflict to our lives and even become a major source of strife and unhappiness. But our friendships don’t necessarily create strife in our lives. According to the research studies used for this episode, friendships add happiness, health, and support, as opposed to detracting from a person’s overall wellbeing.
Let’s look at some factors that might influence why we often treat friends better than partners:
Time
We spend a lot of time with our romantic partners and often our friendships get less time commitment. Especially if we’re in the throes of NRE and making a romantic partner the automatic default when it comes to time commitments, growth and development in other areas of our lives can be limited.
Feeling a sense of entitlement to one’s time and if one of you wants to spend time doing something else for a day, that might cause conflict to arise.
The longer we know someone, the less we know about them.
Proximity
While some romantic relationships are long distance, some may end up encroaching on your personal space all the time, especially if you nest together. Playing house is fun and exciting, but it can also shine a light on a lot of differences between the way you and a partner choose to live.
Small nuisances and differences in how you run a household can grow and fester into something much larger that can cause a lot of conflict in your relationship.
Novelty
Honesty is often cited as one of the most important things to be able to have in a romantic relationship. Sometimes, people choose to be radically honest, and drop the facade that they might have in their friendships and let their partners see the real them. Sometimes however, this can result in the partner being the one to see the worst sides of a person, and feeling like the fun and happy parts are only reserved for their friends or people who they aren’t as close to.
On the other hand, sometimes romance causes partners to NOT be as honest as they should, resulting in festering emotions that eventually bubble over and cause a blow up. Or each partner never really voices what it is that they need or want in a relationship, for fear of angering or hurting the other person. This can result in a lot of misunderstandings and mismatched expectations that never fully come to light because no one is voicing their truth.
Intensity of emotional attachment
Being in a romantic relationship can be challenging, and therefore cause a lot of intense emotions to bubble to the surface. Your nervous system can be in constant overdrive, especially towards the beginning of a relationship or when the two of you are in conflict.
It can be difficult to take a step back and be on your best behavior when your emotions are at their peak.
It might be easier to say things you don’t mean, or act in a way that you never would with another person who you don’t know as well.
Boredom
Sometimes, because of proximity, lack of novelty, and an overall feeling of taking our partner for granted, we become bored of the relationship we are in and seek other things or people to bring us excitement. If we are bored, we are less likely to want to work on the relationship, to move it past the place that it is at, and to change the narrative around the way in which you treat one another.
With friends, if you simply don’t see them as often as you see your partners, you are less likely to feel bored with them.
Expectations
Sometimes there’s an identity collapse and we see our partners as an extension of ourselves.
What do we do about this?
If you’re recognizing that you might have experienced this less than favorable treatment by a partner OR you’ve been guilty of treating your partner(s) badly as opposed to your friends, don’t worry! We have actionable tips to help you become more aware of your tendencies and start strengthening partnerships.
Do a personal assessment. Ask yourself these questions:
How do I feel when I see my partner after a long day at work? How does my body feel? Do I tense up or do I feel relaxed and at ease?
How do I feel when I see a beloved friend after not seeing them for a while? How does my body feel? Energized? Excited? Elated? Nervous?
Do I long for time away from my partner? Do I feel like I am continually making concessions or compromises in terms of the time that I have with them or the time that I have for myself?
Do I feel like I haven’t been able to see my friends as often as I would like? Do I feel like I am not getting to spend time with them because of my partnerships?
Do I have preconceived notions about my partner that are clouding my judgment of them? Have these edged into resentful territory over time?
Depending on how you answer these questions, there are several things you can start to implement in your life and partnerships to foster strength and commitment.
The Gottman Approach: “Studies indicate that we can predict the outcome of a conversation purely based on how the conversation starts. If you have a gentle beginning, you’re likely to experience a gentle middle and end. In fact, Dr. Gottman completed studies that led to him being able to predict the outcome of a conversation with 96 percent accuracy by just observing the first 3 minutes of a couple’s interaction. Conversations that start off with a punch are likely to result in emotional bruising. So, take a deep breath and remember to approach your partner with the same softness you’d use to approach a friend…it’s worth it.”
Utilize microscripts: If you see that you are getting into a particular pattern of behavior with a partner, you can use a microscript to stop that pattern and move to something healthier for the two of you. Get creative and make up a microscript that is meaningful to both of you, and ideally one that is also lighthearted and fun.
Introduce something new into the relationship: Go to a place you have never been to before, enroll in an activity the two of you have always wanted to try, engage in one another’s hobbies if you have never done it before, etc. Try to infuse the relationship with excitement so that the two of you have a fresh perspective and are getting the opportunity to share something fun and new together.
Don’t forget about your friends: Remember that it is crucial for the health of your romantic relationships to make sure you also prioritize other relationships including friends and family, work relationships, etc.
Don’t forget to spend time with yourself: If you feel like your partnership(s) are causing you to never get the opportunity to be alone, make sure that you are spending enough time engaging in your own hobbies and interests. Additionally, you could do something like taking a trip by yourself for the weekend, just to get away and allow yourself some time to decompress.
Consider de-nesting (or creating more independence and distance): If a large part of the issue is simply that you are living with someone and the two of you prefer to run a household differently, consider what it might mean for the relationship if you chose to de-nest. This might be more challenging for some people than others due to obligations like raising children or financial instability, but if you are in a position to do so, it might be better for the relationship if you didn’t live together.