521 - Finding Fairness in Non-monogamy
Equity and equality…what are they?
They might sound similar, but equity, equality, and fairness are different, and the distinction matters sometimes! Fairness and equality are concepts that most can agree are important in relationships, but it’s important to remember that equality isn’t always fair.
Equality means everyone is treated the same, regardless of individual differences.
Equity involves taking individual circumstances, challenges, and differences into account to provide everyone involved with what they need to be successful.
Equality isn’t always a bad thing though! Sometimes it’s the easiest solution and sometimes it’s the most appropriate thing to do. However, when we focus on equality, we sometimes start ignoring or disregarding the important circumstances or individual experience.
Fairness
As for fairness in relationship, there is a lot of evidence that suggests that perceived fairness is more valuable than a mathematical division of labor.
According to a 2019 study, “Gendered perceptions of fairness in housework and shared expenses: Implications for relationship satisfaction and sex frequency” by Gillespie, Peterson, and Lever, fairness can affect not only relationship quality, but also frequency of sex. This concept of fairness in a relationship also included financial unfairness in either direction, but when it came to housework, it only affected relationship quality if someone thought it was unfair to themself.
“Perceived ego unfairness in the division of shared expenses was the strongest predictor of relationship satisfaction. It was also a strong predictor of sex frequency, following only relationship length in relative importance. As such, perceived fairness regarding shared finances was a stronger predictor of relationship quality than perceived fairness in the division of housework.”
Gillespie, Peterson, and Lever
Equity with multiple partners
A lot of folks in the non-monogamous community have learned to question hierarchy, and although hierarchy is still common, there has been a recent drive in the community to treat all partners equally, which almost always leads to trouble.
We don’t have many (or any) social scripts to help us in these situations, but it can be helpful to look at parallels with friendships and family members:
Varying levels of closeness: Just as we have different types of friendships (close friends, acquaintances, activity partners), non-monogamous relationships can also involve different levels of intimacy, commitment, and involvement.
Individualized needs: Like with family members, different partners may have different needs and expectations. Some may desire more frequent contact, while others may prioritize independence.
Direct Meddling is Weird: At the same time, it would be uncomfortable for an old friend to try and control how much you hang out with someone new or to try and make rules to ensure they are still your “best” friend.
Remember that nobody is entitled to your time, affection, or money.
Consent is key: Just because you're in a relationship with someone doesn't mean they automatically have access to your resources, including your time, emotional energy, and finances.
Boundaries are healthy: It's okay to set limits on what you're willing to give or share. Communicating these boundaries clearly is essential for maintaining healthy relationships.
Relationships are reciprocal, not transactional: While give-and-take is important, healthy relationships are built on mutual respect and care, not a sense of entitlement or obligation.
Being fair doesn’t mean you won’t ever disappoint or hurt someone! It’s inevitable that there will be conflicting needs, and even with the best intentions, you can’t meet everyone’s needs or expectations simultaneously. Focus on intent and communication and strive to act with with fairness and integrity.
You also won’t always get what you want when you’re being fair. Compromise is essential to relationships, and focusing on the bigger picture can help you remember to consider the long-term relationship health versus immediate gratification. Understand that not everyone has the same ideas when it comes to what feels fair. And above else, be mindful if you’re in NRE with someone! It can be easy to undervalue or underestimate the importance of existing partnerships in the first 6-18 months with a new partner.
Practical takeaways
Some items that can help bolster the health and fairness of your relationships:
Regular check-ins: Schedule regular check-ins with each partner to discuss needs and expectations.
Boundaries: Be sure to check in with yourself about how you’re feeling and don’t be afraid to have some boundaries around how your time is spent.
Set Honest Expectations: It usually feels much worse to overpromise and then underdeliver on the amount of time and emotional investment you have to put into a new relationship. Work on communicating.
Shared calendar and communication tools: Shared calendars are great for convenience but can also lead to a more “by the numbers” form of fairness, or partners thinking they should always have access to you if you aren’t already booked. Be mindful of that and communicate about what feels good to you.
Community support: Seek out support groups or online communities for non-monogamous individuals to share experiences and learn from others, such as our Discord!