522 - The Power of Denial: Are You Lying to Yourself?
The face of denial
What does denial look like? Can it help us or just hurt us? How do we know when we’re in denial, and what should we do about it?
The concept of denial as a psychological defense mechanism was first formally developed and introduced by Sigmund Freud in the late 19th and early 20th centuries.
According to Dr. Carly Claney on the site Relational Psych, denial often comes with these behaviors:
Avoidance, or refusing to talk about or acknowledge the problem.
Justification, or finding ways to rationalize behavior or situations that are problematic.
Blame, such as shifting responsibility to others or external circumstances.
Persistence, or continuing with harmful behavior despite negative consequences.
Promises, for instance repeatedly vowing to address the issue in the future without taking action.
Distraction, like focusing on unrelated activities to avoid thinking about the problem
Minimization, or downplaying the severity or importance of a problem.
When it comes to relationships, denial can happen in multiple ways, like:
Denial that the relationship is really not working.
Denial that the relationship is actually over.
Denial about how bad things really are.
Denial about red flags because of NRE.
Denial of self (needs, boundaries, desires, preferences).
Denial of plain fact (cognitive bias).
Can it ever be a good thing?
Denial does serve to protect us from things sometimes. For example, it can help protect us from relationship conflict or loss, awkwardness, missed opportunities, emotional instability, shame, or cognitive dissonance. But it’s important to be aware of when we’re feeling denial so we can use it to help ourselves.
Some steps to take might be:
Past Relationship Inventory - Journaling exercise after a breakup:
Write down all of the things this person said to you in one column, write down all their actions and behaviors in another column, and do the same with your own words and behaviors if you want to.
Stepping Out of Your Shoes:
Imagine that someone you love is in your position. If your loved one came to you and described their relationship situation or problems, what would you say to them?
The Outside Perspective:
If this is hard, get a loved one to play that role for you in real life. Ask someone trusted for a reality check.
I am a huge fan of having a list of 5 MVPs in order to get different perspectives
Be specific about what you’re looking for from them.
“I’m hoping that you can help me figure out if I’m in denial about what’s going on, or if things are just tough and there is still hope here.”
It Could Be Worse
It is extremely easy to deny our own pain by pointing out that someone else has it worse. It’s always good to have perspective on suffering, but this can also be a form of denial.
What If Nothing Changed?
If you knew absolutely nothing will change in your relationship for the next year/5 years/10 years, how would you feel?
Nowhere to Hide
Take some time alone with minimal distractions.