526 - How do you make space for a primary relationship while keeping a non-primary one? Listener Q&A
We’re back with another Q&A episode! Today we’re answering the following questions from our Supercast subscribers:
How fast is too fast? My now ex gained two other partners and broke up with some of their others within a month, now we're broken up. Are there red flags when it comes to rapid changes like this? Or is it simply personal differences?
Whiplashed in the PNW
How has your perspective on relationship hierarchy evolved, and how do you navigate it in your own relationships?
I'd love to hear your updates and - if you feel comfortable sharing it - personal take on hierarchy. I feel like I've walked a path similar to yours when it comes to relationship hierarchy.
Jase and Dedeker, I'm curious about how you define your partnership now. Have you adopted terms like "primary partners" or "anchor partners"? I'd be interested to know what language you use when discussing your relationship with potential new partners. Emily, now that you're dating again, what's your vision of what kind of a relationship structure you're looking for when it comes to hierarchies? How do you communicate it to potential partners?
In my past, I was in a long-term relationship that transitioned from monogamy to non-monogamy. We had built a strong foundation, and despite our intentions to avoid prescriptive hierarchy - and even though our descriptive hierarchy became less obvious when we shifted to long-distance - they remained my primary consideration in life decisions.
That relationship has since ended. Now, I'm building a new partnership (we've been together for a year) while we both date other people. Currently, neither of us has additional committed partners. Although we initially identified as leaning towards solo polyamory - maintaining separate living spaces and finances - we're recognising a somewhat hierarchical nature in our evolving relationship. I'm finding that the stability of a partnership where we significantly factor each other into our plans and decisions, while still maintaining separate households, aligns better with my needs and wants.
What aspects do you think are crucial to consider in my situation? I'm particularly interested in how your own experiences might offer insight here. How do you view the use of terms such as "anchor partners" or "primary partners"(or any other language you might prefer) when describing relationships that are central to one's life but not necessarily full-blown hierarchical?
Hierarchy-Hesitant in the Heart of Europe
Hello! I am a queer woman living in Honolulu in a long term relationship with a married woman named Carrie. I eventually want to be in a primary relationship with someone, but I'm having a hard time because I'm very in love with my partner and feel like I won't find anyone like her. We are both in the music industry and she is also autistic, so there's a level of connection that I don't anticipate finding with anyone else. I'm out of the NRE stage and deep in the LOVE stage. I'm having a hard time dating partially because of my own insecurity and partially because everyone else either seems to be a). monogamous or b). already in a highly coupled relationship. How do I sustain a secure relationship with her AND find someone else? Is this possible?
Horny and Hopeful in Honolulu
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