497 - I Hate the People My Partner Dates

Do you hate the way your partner dates?

This episode is NOT for you if you:

  • Hate the fact that your partner is dating other people at all. 

It IS for you if:

  • You are consensually non-monogamous, but you are finding yourself turned off by the people that your partner chooses to date, or you may be feeling negatively or even disgusted by the way in which your partner dates.

  • You’re not sure what to do if you’re experiencing this kind of clash or feeling some kind of discomfort around who your partner is dating or how they are dating 

  • You are having issues with your partner’s friends or family members as well, not just who they date.

Some ways we’ve seen this play out or things people have expressed discomfort over are:

  • Partner dating someone much younger/much older. 

  • Dating too close to the inner circle. 

  • Parting dating “too casually.”

  • Parting dating “too seriously” or “too much.”

  • Partner being less than 100% honest with others.

  • Partner not treating metamours well. 

  • Metamour feels like a bad influence.

  • Metamour just “gets under my skin.”

  • Metamour has said or done something hurtful.

The tools to deal with this

Some things to think about and exercises to help address this feeling are:

  • What’s Underneath All This? - a journaling exercise:

    • Is my discomfort tied to how my partner acts with others?

    • Is my discomfort tied to how my partner’s other partners treat me?

      • Is my discomfort tied to a direct interaction I had with a meta?

      • Is my discomfort tied to an indirect interaction? E.g. telephone game.

    • If my partner dates in a way that’s very different from me:

      • What values do I perceive my partner to have around dating or relationship seeking?

      • What values do I have around dating or relationship seeking?

      • Could it ever be okay for a partner to date in a way that is drastically different from the way I want to date? 

  • Seek Understanding - a conversation with your partner:

    • At a time when you and your partner are feeling calm, connected, and safe, open up a conversation about what drives each of your decisions when dating or picking partners.

    • Tread carefully and make sure that you are seeking mutual understanding and not looking for opportunities to just drop criticism. 

  • Let’s Use Boundaries for Good - check out MA 423: Boundaries are all About YourSELF (or check out our book)

    • Some options:

      • No contact at all with metamour

      • Conditions on contact (only in garden party style situations, only in a group thread, etc.) 

      • A sprinkle of parallel can sometimes do a body good 

  • Some Hard but Hopeful Truths

    • Unless this third party’s behavior is truly egregious and damaging, it may be unreasonable to put your partner in a “you have to choose” situation. 

    • Hands down, the hardest way to solve this problem is choosing to try to change your partner, change how they date, or change who they date. 

    • You cannot control your partner's other relationships (unless both of you have consented to this level of control). 

    • BUT you also don’t have to be 100% on board with it and high-fiving your partner every time they mention this other person. There is a dominating polyamory narrative that you need to completely let go and not have any opinions or feels whatsoever about who or how your partner dates. 

  • The Ultimate Question

    • Can you still admire, respect, and love your partner if this never changed? 

      • Disgust response/disrespect is really hard to undo.

PodcastMultiamorymetamours, metamour, dating preferences