What is the relationship escalator?

The relationship escalator is the social normative model of relationship progress, which assumes that “serious” romantic relationships should follow a series of stages by default, such as dating, exclusivity, cohabitation, marriage, kids, death.

Some of the other milestones that are less discussed:

• From first date to having sex.

• Removing barriers.

• From dating to presenting as a couple.

The concept of the relationship escalator is fairly well known among non-monogamous folks, and there are many who actively try to get off of the relationship escalator or who are open to challenging relationship norms in general. However, there are some consensually non-monogamous people who do want particular milestones, and often they can feel isolated, criticized, or alienated for wanting those things.

Some pros to consider about the relationship escalator:

• Our culture grants many social, emotional, and financial benefits to relationships that are perceived to be on the escalator (employer benefits, social validation).

• There is a certain reality of biological timelines when it comes to having children. Even though advances in fertility technology are expanding people’s options, there are still limitations that need to be accounted for.

• In America, we have an increasingly shaky social safety net, and access to physical care, financial support, and mental/emotional well being outside of a romantic relationship is unfortunately still difficult to come by. There is a history within the US of single women and single mothers in welfare programs being strongly encouraged by social workers and govt employees to get married as a solution to their economic problems.

• If two people are in alignment on goals and values, moving along the relationship escalator together can be life-giving and relationship-affirming.

Some cons to think about regarding the relationship escalator:

• Not everyone wants every single step on the escalator.

• No going backwards and no going out of order. 

• Relationships that skip steps or stay off the escalator entirely are often discounted as not being real, serious, or worthy or pursuing. 

• Forces our romantic relationships to also bear the weight of many other roles: roommate, co-parent, healthcare provider, etc.

• An emphasis on hitting milestones can lead to neglect of other areas of life and other aspects of the relationship.

• Hitting particular milestones may carry the promise of more security and relationship fulfillment but may fall short and cause disappointment in reality.

If you want to step on the relationship escalator and stay there, there are many valid reasons for wanting to, just as there are plenty if you don’t want to get on it either. The area where problems tend to come up is the discrepancy between the pace of the escalator that you want versus what the other person wants.

Pace discrepancy:  a difference between partners in the desired timeline for progressing through relationship milestones.

Dr. Alexandra Solomon

What influences the discrepancy?

• Cultural expectations.

• Personal readiness.

• Age and life stage.

• Shared goals, shared interest in escalation.

• External stressors like money or lack of stable housing.

Things to ask yourself

In order to better understand why you might want some particular milestones or the escalator as a whole, here are some questions to ask yourself:

• Why do I want this milestone?

• Could I get these things any other way? 

• Why do I judge other people for not wanting this milestone?

• Why do I judge someone for wanting this milestone?

• Is this about economics? 

• If I knew for sure my partner would never be able to offer this milestone to me, does that change how I feel about the relationship?

Some helpful questions to ask others might be:

• Have I actually expressed wanting this milestone? Or have I just assumed? 

• Understanding before persuading: what questions do you need to ask in order to really understand your partner’s stance on this?

• Is there any middle ground or reframe we could experiment with regarding certain milestones?

There are also some markers of commitment and progress that aren’t on the relationship escalator but still are worth celebrating and thinking about:

• Exchanging spare keys.

• Giving each other nicknames.

• First kink exploration.

• Meeting family, friends, children.

• Taking care of each other when you’re sick.

• Being a plus one for events.

• Opening up about vulnerable topics such as emotional state, past trauma, future dreams.

• Navigating conflict successfully.

No one can tell you that you don’t want what you want, and you can’t tell anyone else they don’t want what they want.